Every Unsatisified Urge
by Concupiscence66
Summary: This is a "real person" fic based on a prompt for livejournal's queer fest: They don't have sex, so they're just friends. Right? Noel and Julian have a mostly sexless marriage.
1. The Beginning

"Boys giving you a hard time?" Noel asked, taking in his partner's hagard appearance. "Do I need to give them a talking to?"

Julian laughed as he shrugged off his jacket. "It's not quite that serious yet. Arthur's hit a stage where he has more wants than he has words to express them. He just says he's hungry. He's holding his ear and crying, saying, 'Daddy, I'm hungry!' Am I meant to rub some mashed potatoes in his ear?"

"Can't Walter translate?" Noel suggested, pouring Julian a black coffee. "Isn't that the point of having two?"

Julian gratefully took the hot coffee. Noel half expected him to pour it straight on his tired looking eyes.

"You know this is only the second day of recording, right?" Noel teased. "Are you going to make it? Do we need to bring in Farnaby?"

Julian just shrugged and looked sad.

"Holy shitballs on a toasted cheese sandwich! You look like crap on a cracker," Rich yelled as he walked down the hall towards them. "Julian, you need to lay off the meth."

Julian gave a delayed laugh. He always seemed to need a moment to translate Rich.

"I've tried," Julian explained balefully. "It's the only thing that wakes me up in the morning."

"I can relate to Arthur," Noel said, sincerely. "Sometimes when I'm tired, I feel like I'm hungry."

"Every unsatisfied urge is hunger," Julian said with a fond smile.

"Every unsatisfied urge is hunger?"Rich repeated. "That's the name of my autobiography. I'm fucking a donut on the cover."

Noel thought about Julian's off-hand comment all day.

Every unsatisfied urge, indeed.

xxx

It physically hurt to watch him, he was so utterly awkward and nervous. He didn't look at all like someone who had been on telly. He looked ready to jump out of his skin as he gripped the microphone while it was still in its mic stand, as though he could possibly drop it. Noel laughed too hard and too often. He'd only recently begun doing stand-up himself, so he knew how painful it was, and the lanky Northerner seemed ill-equipped to deal with the agony of an unresponsive crowd. Noel laughed and tried to send a psychic message to the man, to say, "It's all right, you're funny. It's the audience that's rubbish."

Noel had surveyed the crowd when they arrived, and his table was clearly the most interesting group in the place. Everyone else was straight as a ruler. They were only laughing at dick jokes. He imagined they were having well interesting conversations about the weather. Yeah, the guy on stage was going a bit long with his weird little wacky suggestions for freaking people out of the tube - but it was funny, funnier than anyone else had been so far.

"He's so... weird," Dan whispered, and Noel nodded enthusiastically. This guy was fucking weird. Genius.

The man gave a nervous wave before bounding off the stage. He'd ended his set by suggesting they murder a stranger, skin him, and wear his flesh as a leisure suit. Noel hadn't seen it coming.

Noel turned slowly from Nigel to Dan and the three of them dissolved into hysterical laugher. They had all bought it: the nervous ticks, the weak attempts to ingratiate himself to the audience... all just part of the act. Noel wondered if the Northern accent was even real.

Fucking ace.

"I'm going to buy that man a drink!" Noel declared before turning to Dave. "Lend me a tenner?"

xxx

Julian hated every minute of it. It was a terrible gig, and no one got the joke. There had been one table of arty kids laughing, probably ironically, and it had felt like dying.

But when a gig was good...

Julian hated those, too. His mother kept asking why he didn't just stick to music. Music didn't make him throw up with anxiety, and he didn't drink as much when he playing in bands. Comedy hurt, but Julian wanted it to hurt. If you aren't hurting, how do you know you're alive? It was covoluted logic, but Julian had given up on trying to be logical about performing. The rest of his life happened in his brain; performing all took place in his stomach. No wonder he needed to puke before each gig, he needed to make room in his stomach for all his feelings.

One of the art students approached him. He had a strange and pointy face with an absurd feather cut; his motley mane was at least four different colors.

Time to be funny. Comedians are supposed to be funny.

"That was geeenius!" the art student mumbled, barely moving his mouth as he spoke.

His first instinct was to make a joke about the man's lack of articulation, but it was too dead on; better to go neutral.

"Is your hair on backwards?"

The man laughed and blushed, suddenly almost disturbingly feminine as he fussed with his coiffure. He gazed up at Julian through his eyelashes and held out his hand. "I'm called Noel. Can I buy you a pint?"

Julian wasn't sure how to say no and Noel took his silence as agreement.

Fuck. Now he had to be funny _and_ not end up in an awkward sexual situation.

"I just started doing stand-up m'self, and it is well hard. I do stuff a bit like you. Weird stuff. People been tellin' me I should come see your act," Noel declared proudly. His kohl-lined blue eyes were wide with excitement. Under his stupid hair cut and ridiculous clothes, Noel was clearly a little ray of sunshine, full of optimism and enthusiasm. It should have made Julian want to run, but he felt oddly calm. Noel's unfettered enthusiasm made Julian feel centered and wise instead of like a neurotic headcase.

Julian gave a tight lipped smile. "Oh really? That must be... just terrible for you."

This Noel person was here with his art school mates, looking trendy and having fun - feeling confident and cool. This kid hadn't a clue where Julian was coming from. They weren't even from the same planet. Julian let Noel buy him a second pint, though it was his mate (boyfriend?) with the big, handsome face that actually paid. Julian told himself he was only in it for the free drinks, but there may have been a part of him that liked being so openly admired.

Even if it was by a mentally ill boy with his hair on backwards.

xxx

Noel was hitting comedy clubs every night, studying - making connections. Getting himself ready for his big break. His act lay somewhere between comedy and performance art. He wanted to make people laugh, but he didn't really mind if they didn't. It was enough that they were all watching him.

It was the middle of the week, and Dan and Nige insisted on staying home and doing school work. Noel had five pretty girls at his table, fellow students. Not that it mattered, not that he cared, but he had a feeling Julian would be more receptive if he had lovely ladies in tow. Maybe this Julian guy was afraid Noel would hit on him. He probably assumed every boy in eyeliner was gay.

Noel wasn't gay; he was barely bi. There had been some drunken snogs, but he was in art school! There are things you have to experience in art school.

He wasn't wrong about Julian; he was far happier to see Noel with his gaggle of girls. He chain smoked through the evening, but Noel noticed he didn't take all that many puffs, he just always had a lit cigarette in his hand. That cigarette must have been whispering to Julian's fingers, "Hey, man, keep cool. Don't be an L 7 square..."

Noel couldn't explain why he thought Julian's fag would use 1950's Hollywood slang, he just knew it would.

Julian vacillated from cold and detached to quite sweet and gentle, and with no seeming reason. Noel was prattling on about nothing and suddenly, Julian would lean in - everything in his body language saying, "I am here for you, and you alone." Then he'd go back to being brusque. Noel found himself trying too hard to be funny and cool, desperate to bring back Julian's attention. Part of Noel wanted to stand up and say, "Hey! I know what you're doing! You're ignoring me so I'll try harder to get your attention, and just because it's working doesn't mean you aren't a dick for doing it."

But part of him didn't think the man was doing it on purpose. As his friend, Naomi, put it after Julian left (alone).

"He's a bit fucking weird, yeah?"

Yeah.

xxx

"Look, Barratt, it's your ugly girlfriend."

Julian shook his head. "Fuck off, Lee. Noel isn't ugly."

Noel threw his head back and laughed. He was wearing a poncho.

"You're jealous, Lee. Your face is Sominex. I thought Julian was standing next to a pink balloon for minute."

Lee gave a begrudging laugh, but Julian was too busy rehearsing the words to respond. Noel had a way with words. He told stories like a child. A trip to get a curry became an epic adventure as Noel acted it out with oversized eyes and an undersized vocabulary. He kept dropping hints he wanted Julian to see his stand-up, but Julian was putting it off. If Noel wasn't good, the relationship would end. Julian could neither be honest nor keep a secret when it comes to his opinions on comedy. He had a vague feeling he wanted to write with Noel, or at least write down Noel's words. He was not ready to see whatever they had end. He was lonely on stage.

Julian was lonely.


	2. The Courtship

Ellie was only too willing to stay in for the night and watch the telly with Noel. She was apparently well into alternative guys. She loved Noel's hair and make up and when he played up his crush on Julian. He felt almost guilty about using Julian to pick up girls. It wasn't like Julian gave a fuck one way or the other, but Noel thought of his affection as something pure that shouldn't be sullied. In his heart, he was sure they were comedic soulmates. He wasn't sure what that meant, but such a strong feeling must mean something.

"Is he the one in the knit cap? He's cute," Ellie observed with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

"No... Julian is the one in the silver trousers," Noel explained, not quiet believing the words coming from his mouth, "and the tribal tatoos."

Gobsmacked was an understatement, but Noel couldn't think of another word to describe his reaction. Every time he'd seen Julian in person, the comedian was trying a new look, but he'd always been dressed in layers of clothing. The hats, glasses, suits and jackets were all there, giving just a little extra buffer between Julian and his audience.

On the screen, Julian was hunched over the microphone, his yellow anorack open to expose his chest - currently adorned with fake tribal tatoos.

Noel had never seen Julian's chest before. He looked so vulnerable, all half naked and sporting faux dreadlocks.

"He don't look like I thought he would," Ellie pointed out as Julian sang about the "ancient city of India". Ellie slipped her hand under Noel's shirt and stroked his chest. "He's fit."

"Did you think he'd be ugly?"

"No, I knew he'd be good looking, but I thought he'd be a little older, more serious looking."

"In real life, yeah. He's playing a character," Noel pointed out as Julian described the six faces of a tree. As he spoke, it occured to him that he'd never seen Julian socially. Their friendship might be a bit one-sided, if not completely imaginary.

Ellie had the 'he's a bit weird' look on her face that meant she was not the love of Noel's life. The woman he is meant to marry will think Julian Barratt is fucking hilarious.

However, she was cute, and she agreed Julian was hot. That was more than enough to fuel a brief romance. Noel didn't think about Julian when he slept with Ellie or anyone else.

It's just that the man had a way of popping into his mind's eye at the strangest times.

xxx

"I played this gig last night, right? So there's this man, I don't know if he was English or not... he looked to be made of coins..."

It was the fifth time Noel had come to see his act. They might have been friends at this point. Julian had his arms crossed over his chest, his back pressed against the bar rail; he had a cigarette dangling from him lips and he was wearing glasses. He wasn't taking a defensive posture; he was taking all the defensive postures, and Noel wasn't giving him back one millimeter of personal space. He was chatting away, full of animation, but stopped cold when Julian spoke.

"There's a space open tonight. Right before me. Why don't you do your act?"

Noel paled beneath his eccentric make-up, but said in an eager if shaky voice, "Genius! I'll just call my mates and me mum. Makes sure someone in the audience is laughing at my jokes... and not just me!"

xxx

"Hey, keep cool, man. Don't b square. 'Cause that's how they'd talk, right? Cigarettes are clearly in love with the fifties. How come they ain't changed their look? It's the ninties! They should be skinnier and wearing heavy eye liner, but they look just the same as in the fifties. They're stuck! So, yeah, maybe that fag is helping you not to fidget and such, but why are you taking the word of tobacco that's wearing a 1950's jumper?"

It was almost nonsensical, but it made Julian self-consciously put out his cigarette. Noel's charisma translated to the stage. He had an ease with people, with being stared at, that the audience could sense. He had something like star quality.

Barratt & Fielding. Investment brokers. We make your money work FOR YOU!

They could come up with another name. Julian had thought he would prefer to live and die on his own - neither helped nor hindered by others - but he was wrong. It was lonely. On stage, he felt lonely, even when the crowd laughed - he felt isolated from their mirth. He liked working with Tim, but knew it wouldn't last. Tim was moving more and more behind the camera. He was so relentlessly self-critical of his performances, he made Julian feel zen. Tim had got it all wrong. While Julian prattled on like a coked-up twat, Tim looked cool and natural. It didn't matter. One of them was going to end it soon. What Julian needed was a partner who could pull focus, leave Julian free to do what he was good at: being strange and alienating. Noel drew attention. He radiated sweetness and light, and he dressed like an undercover cop posing as an underaged rentboy.

Julian was lonely and worried that he was getting old. There were better comedians on the circuit much older than he, but that wasn't the point. Julian had meant to be further along by now. He was hoping Asylum would stir some attention when it hit the air. There was a tremendous amount of talent attached to the show. Possibly too much; Julian was worried he'd be completely overshadowed.

Or he'd stand out as jittery and trying too hard.

It wasn't until Noel was wrapping up that it occured to Julian.

"Fuck," he growled to no one, "I have to follow that."

xxx

Julian skipped his usual "supersonic comedy" bit and did some strange miming. He told the audience he was gathering up all the words Noel had left "scattered about". It made Noel laugh harder than usual, because he was so excited. Noel had just done the best set of his life, and it was in front of Julian. Julian, a man he barely knew and who Noel wasn't sure actually liked him. Add in that Julian was often cold and rude, and anyone could see why Noel would be devoting all his time to trying to impress the guy. It had to be the wavy hair. Julian was like Errol Flynn with his rakish hair.

Dave kept ruffling Noel's hair and telling him he'd done well. Noel leaned his head on Dave's shoulder, making his friend's big head go red. Dave was a bit shy sometimes, but he felt like a brick wall, and Noel liked leaning on him. Nigel drew a picture of Noel onstage on a cocktail napkin and looked mortified when Noel started tearing up.

His parents were embarassing and wonderful. There's a horrible moment when Noel finds his mum chatting away with Julian. Noel tries to join them/stop his mother from saying anything too humiliating, but people keep getting in the way. By the time he gets to their corner on the room, his mother is kissing Julian on the cheek and patting his chest.

Julian was wonderful. He fussed over Noel like a proud father (nearly as boisterously proud as Noel's actual father), hugging him and, after a few too many, kissing him on the cheek. When Lee called him a bender, Julian gave Noel a proper snog (tongue and all). Noel made jokes and played with his hair and tried to stop blushing like a little girl. When Julian casually rests a hand on Noel's shoulder or hip, it's all Noel can think about. It was impossible to follow the conversation. Noel lets all of his potential rides leave without him, not quite ready to let the evening end. Julian knocks back beer after beer, but never really seems drunk. He's just a little looser than usual. When he offers Noel a ride home, Noel doesn't hesitate to get in the vehicle. The fear of dying in a fiery car crash seems insignificant next the chance to spend just a little more time with Julian fussing over him.

Julian made a thoughtful noise as he took a turn a little too sharply.

"I think I might be too pissed to drive," he mused. "There is a small chance we might both die."

Noel shrugged. "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse."

"Can you live fast in a Ford Prefect?" Julian mused. "Not much of a headline. 'Ugly girl dies in fiery crash... while being driven home by her dad.' Not very rock and roll."

Looking at Julian in his windbreaker and trainers, Noel didn't see anything dad-like in Julian, but he was tickled by the image nonetheless. The longer he thought about it, the funnier it became, until he was having trouble catching his breath through his giggling.

"Maybe you should come in, have some tea," Noel suggested when Julian slowly pulled up in front of the flat he shared with Dave and Nigel. "If you're going to die in a car crash, it's got to be after the first episode of Asylum airs. Could be a ratings boost."

Julian agrees and stumbles a bit on his way up the stairs. Noel is certain he knows exactly how Julian feels. Now that they've left the club, the last remnants of adrenaline are wearing off and all that's left is beer and sleepiness.

"Before you come in, there's something you should know," Noel warned as he searched for his keys. He was feeling especially scatterbrained with Julian's breath on his neck. "Once you enter, you can never leave."

Julian was leaning against the doorjamb with his eyes closed.

He slowly opened his eyes and gave Noel direct eye contact, a rare enough occurence, and said, "S'all right. I haven't got much on, anyway."


	3. A Strange Tale Involving the Jelly Fox

Am I nothing?

Julian was in love. The Spoon Snake was made up of little blocks of color, and Noel explained (illustrating with scraps of paper) how the blocks would move in and out as the snake slithered and spoke. Julian was absolutely fascinated. Tim had been working on some animation for the Pod, and Julian enjoyed standing over his shoulder and marvelling. It was like discovering someone you've known for ages speaks a second language; the person suddenly seems new and exotic, almost alien, expressing thoughts and feelings without needing the aid of the English language. Remarkable.

Noel was completely red and his hands were shaking, but he didn't try to hide his work the way Tim would when he got shy. Tim folds under Julian's scrutiny, seeing criticism where there's nothing but admiration.

"Why is he the Jelly Fox?" Julian asked as he examined the series of paintings. The colors were bright but with great big slashes of black that gave them an ominous feel, despite the carnival colors. Julian doesn't know much about art, but they look like the kind of paintings he would buy if he bought paintings.

Noel is staring at him blankly, his all-too-pretty blues eyes unfocused.

"Why is he made of Jelly Tots?" Julian asked again.

Noel shrugged. "Because he's the Jelly Fox, that's why! He can't just be the Marmalade Fox or the Mars Bar Fox, that would be mental."

"Are these characters all Athenas?" Julian asked, "Just leaping forth from your brain fully formed?"

"I don't know what that means," Noel said, shyly rubbing the toe of his boot in circles on the carpet. Noel is practically feral by Julian's standards. When Noel doesn't know or understand something, he rushes to inform those around him of his ignorance. Instead of hiding his weaknesses, Noel holds a big yellow arrow towards them. It seems so uncivilized, like going to church without wearing pants.

Noel's mum and dad had seemed so normal, not at all the ex-hippies Julian expected. Noel's mother was sweet and charming and almost disturbingly attractive. Noel had mentioned his parents were young. There had been a moment, when she put her hand on his chest, that Julian had a fleeting thought about trying to pull Noel's mother.

Noel laughs when Julian laughs.

There are a startling number of portraits of Bryan Ferry. Another popular subject is Syd Barrett.

"I spell my name differently, you know," Julian pointed out, wondering if Julian Pettifer would have captured Noel's attention so fully.

"Yeah, you pronounce it different, too. Julian? Sounds nothing like Syd. Too many sylables. I'm going to call you Ju, it's closer."

"You can't call me Ju." Julian tried for a firm tone, but he was still laughing. "Ju is already a word. You can't go around saying, 'Hi, Ju,' and not upset a few people..."

"Can I call you Julie B.?"

Noel was standing far too close, looking up at Julian and licking his lips nervously.

"Only my mother is allowed to call me Julie B."

"Why's that?"

"She's pretty much running my career as a rapper," Julian explained, refusing to step back from Noel, who kept creeping closer into his personal space. "She's my Dre."

Noel collapsed on his bed, giggling. He'd been sipping alcopops all night, and he was girlie drink drunk. Julian dropped onto the bed next to Noel. He'd had about eight beers too many. He was going to be useless tomorrow. He would have been better off with whiskey on ice, but he hadn't wanted to get drunk; he'd just wanted to relax.

If he was any more relaxed, he'd be asleep.

"Do you want some tea? Coffee?" Noel asked. His voice had gone all squawky. He was nervous. He needed a dozen pints so he could be relaxed, like Julian. Like Julie B.

Julian stretched out on the bed, keeping one foot firmly on the floor to keep the room from spinning. "I'm fine, just... a little dizzy."

"You can really knock'em back," Noel observed as he slowly lowered himself down so he was lying face to face with Julian. "I never seen you drink so much."

Noel's cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy, like he had a fever. Julian brushed the younger man's fringe off of his forehead, causing Noel to gasp and then laugh hysterically. They took turns gasping and laughing until Julian gave in and gave Noel a kiss; just a quick, innocent kiss. Followed by a slightly longer, but still relatively innocent snog.

The third kiss involved a bit more tongue than Julian was expecting.

There were a lot of factors to consider. There was something of a friendship to be maintained. There was a germ of an idea of a partnership to be considered. There was the fact that Julian was paranoid and needy and incapable of casual sex.

Most importantly, there was the fact that Julian was usually useless in the sack when beer drunk. Whiskey can lead to some damn fine shagging, but beer can only bring lazy, bloated, slightly numb chaos to the bedroom.

Then there's the fact that Julian knows he doesn't want a relationship with a man.

It didn't seem worth the risk. Julian dreaded the idea of his beer-addled John Thomas simply losing interest with Noel. There was no way the kid wouldn't take it personally. Noel's hand was on Julian's thigh and working its way up. It was time to end things before they got out of hand. Or in hand, as it were.

Julian pulled Noel's hand from his thigh and pinned it above the smaller man's head. It made for a tempting enough sight that Julian had to spend a few more minutes exploring Noel's surprisingly soft lips before declaring it was time to go. Noel's confusion was clear as Julian awkwardly crawled his way off the bed. Julian had no doubt Noel would eventually understand it was for the best. In the moment, it's always easy to think the sex will be worth it, but it rarely is. Awkward, self-concious, first-time sex was never worth the social anxiety that followed.

Noel looked confused and embarrassed, but he didn't argue. He just walked Julian to the door, thanking him profusely for getting him on stage. For Noel, it was a pretty high profile gig.

Julian allowed himself one more searching kiss at the door, and then it was time to focus on the task of getting home safely. He needed to get back to his flat so he could wake up full of regret.

xxx

Noel crawled out of bed to pee and grab some sugary cereal and water, then it was back under the covers. Dave and Nigel kept checking on him, like a couple of mother hens. They seemed to find it hard to believe that Noel wanted to celebrate last night's success by hiding in his room. He couldn't tell them the rest of the story. He wasn't sure he understood the rest of the story.

He was very worried the story was over. He couldn't bear to go back to the days of Julian looking through him like he wasn't there. For nearly a year, his life had revolved around getting in on Julian's joke. As little time as they actually spent together, Noel savored every accidental touch, every half-smile, every surprised chuckle. He lived for those moments when Julian would give him a long-suffering look as some mediocre comedian talked about airline food or how women liked to shop. That look said, "You and I know comedy. He is not one of us."

He really wanted to be an "us" with Julian. The idea that he had finally earned Julian's respect as a performer only to lose it by acting like a lovesick schoolgirl made Noel burrow deep into his covers. He could just hide there forever with Bryan Ferry and the Jelly Fox.

The memory of Julian's enthusiasm for Noel's painting sent a rush of heat through his body. He'd avoided discussing his art with Julian (not difficult, since Julian rarely asked him any questions), but he worried that Julian would see his work as childish. Noel knew he wasn't going to be a "real artist", he'd worked that out early on, but he loved to paint. He'd already been told that, as a painter, he was a great performance artist. He wouldn't deny it stung, but he wasn't about to give up something he loved just because he wasn't destined to be great. He would happily settle for really good. Julian thought his paintings were really good. Julian thought his stand up was great.

Noel kept the duvet over his head as he shoved sugar covered bits of puffed grain into his mouth. He didn't taste a thing, but it made him feel like a little kid again. He briefly considered calling his mother before rejecting the idea as unwise. His mother was far too perceptive. Sometimes he wished she would just be a normal mum, one who would tell him to get a real job and stop mooning over a man when he was supposed to be at least mostly straight.

He must have dozed off mid-bite. When he was startled awake by a knocking at his bedroom door, there were half chewed cereal bits on his cheek and pillow.

"Noel, Julian's on the line. He wants to speak to you," Dave yelled through the door. Noel tripped on his duvet, running towards the phone.

Julian wanted to write the new Goodies.


	4. Baby Boosh

Julian had been on television enough for people to have a vague feeling they recognized him. Noel, despite having all of ten minutes of TV time under his belt, actually got recognized more often, due to his rather distinctive look. While people wondered if Julian was someone they'd been at school with, or perhaps the Vicar's son, they immediately recognized Noel as someone they had seen on telly.

Noel crouched behind the piece of cardboard that made up half of their set and said, "If you bomb, I'm just staying down here. Dave can carry me off with the rest of the props."

Julian only half laughed because he knew Noel was only half kidding. He felt absolutely confident that he and Noel were creating something new and special. At the moment it was a bit of shambles, but it was coming together. The sad truth was that comedy wasn't like music. You can't practice in your room until your fingers bled and then start playing in front of an audience after you've honed your craft. Comedy was all about dying. Death after death, peppered with the boisterous laugh of Noel's mother.

She would be in the audience. Lee and James would be there. Noel would have his usual coeterie. It was tempting to just fill the audience with friendly faces, but that wouldn't tell them if the material worked. Comedy required unfriendly faces and lots of them.

Asylum had been well received, though it was far from a hit. Julian had been attending a series of meetings/covert audtions for a new sketch show. He didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed, but he was fairly certain Noel was going to be brought in for an audtion as well. He hadn't been all that subtle in his lobbying for his new partner. He had complete faith in Noel's ability to be a television star and in his own ability to be a solid character actor. They were a solid duo with their wildly different personalities, but similar senses of humor. They had chemistry.

"Why all the props?" Lee asked as he handed Julian another beer. "The two of you could just stand there talking and gazing into one another's eyes. That's really what the act is about. Understand, I am using the term 'act' very loosely."

Julian rolled his eyes at Noel, who inexplicably blushed. The strangest things made Noel go red.

Julian wouldn't deny that Lee had a point: The Mighty Boosh was all about chemistry. Julian's memories of their drunken fumble were pretty vague, and he was relieved Noel seemed content to pretend the whole thing had never happened. In another place and time, maybe there could have been something there. There could have been a passionate romance that either collapsed like a souffle or simply fizzled out with time. Julian believes he has the potential to be an excellent husband, but knows he is a godawful boyfriend. He hoped that Noel realized he had dodged a bullet that night. Sex would have led to being idealized and then torn to shreds as Julian searched for the fatal flaw that would end their relationship. The fact that Julian knew this was his pattern didn't make it any easier for him to change.

"The audience is going to think you're lunatics," Lee observed. "Or drunks. Or drunken lunatics."

Julian raised his beer bottle and proposed a toast to perceptive audiences.

xxx

Noel was about to pull. The girl was asking to touch his hair and talking about how her roommate was out of town. Noel felt like a stud. He'd always gotten on well with women, but it was different lately. Women were so much more aggressive after they saw Noel perform with Julian. Noel theorized they were reacting to the tension on stage. Occasionally, Julian would kiss him or hold his hand at the end of a show. Those were usually the nights Noel got laid.

"I just love how you guys are just so magical..." She was flailing her arms a bit in her enthusiasm. "I just want to take you home!"

That was an invitation.

Noel suddenly found himself in the air, an arm wrapped around his waist.

"We're going to be on telly," Julian cried into his ear. "Unnatural Acts is a go."

"You're going to be on telly," Noel reminded his partner, who had clearly had one too many. "I'll be doing the laundry, as usual..."

"I talked the director, he knows your work. Knows you're another fucking weirdo like me. Someone will be contacting you next week," Julian explained, putting Noel back on the ground but holding his waist tightly.

The girl was giggling almost hysterically. "Are you really going to be on telly? That's amazing."

"Noel is going to be a huge star," Julian said, pitching his voice a little deeper than usual. "Be careful. You might get sucked into his orbit."

The girl giggled nervously. Noel knew exactly how she felt. She didn't get the joke, but desperately wanted to.

Julian wrapped both arms around Noel and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Good show tonight, Little Man," he said, before ruffling Noel's hair and walking away. Noel blushed and readjusted his clothes.

"So... that's Julian," Noel said with a shrug.

The girl gently fluffed the side of Noel's hair. "He messed up your hair. What a brute."

Noel gave a long-suffering sigh and pouted. "Men."

Sex was on.

xxx

Rich Fulcher never fit in. Chubby, brainy kid and an army brat. Double whammy. It was: be funny, or come to school with a shot gun and tell the world why he didn't like Mondays. Rich learned to be funny.

Julian was Rich's polar opposite: tall and lean, conventionally handsome, uninterested in being liked, contemplative in his humor. On stage, Julian was frenetic and twitchy, but in real life he was quiet and almost lethargic. He always slumped in his seat; only his darting eyes showed he was not quite as relaxed as he appeared on the surface. When they first met in the Paramount commissary, they'd hit it off immediately. Julian had been amiable and quick to laugh at Rich's antics. He'd repeatedly mentioned that his "partner" and Rich would be fast friends. Even after an hour of chatting, Rich still wasn't sure what Julian meant by "partner".

Rich didn't know many people in England and was eager to make friends and connections. Julian could be both. In fact, Julian invited him to take one of the opening slots for a show he was headlining.

The night of the show, Julian looked through him. Good, bad, or indifferent, Rich was used to getting noticed in England. Julian's cold stare sent him back to high school. Rich considered locking himself in his room with some Dylan while he wrote sad poetry (that he would store in his Trapper Keeper).

It wasn't until Rich was about to go on that Julian actually acknowledged him. The comedian on stage was hitting all the usual topics, like a Mad Libs comedy act.

"Don't you hate (noun)? (Same noun) makes me want to (adverb) (verb). Unless you're (Proper Name), you shouldn't be (gerund) at the (name of place)."

He didn't notice Julian until his hand was on Rich's shoulder. Julian leaned in close to whisper in Rich's ear.

"This guy's really sucking the life out of the room. Good luck that you're up next. Good luck for me, that is. You're going to have a hell of time waking the audience up."

Julian gave him a wolfish grin and a pat on the back before abruptly walking away. Rich had a sudden urge to chase after Julian and beg for his attention and approval, but he resisted. He needed to save his pathetic pleas for attention for the audience.

xxx

Watching Noel and Julian interact, Rich again wondered exactly what Julian meant when he said "partner". Noel was pretty in a distinctly male way. When Julian would slouch, Noel would lean forward so he still had to look up to Julian. Julian had held the door for Noel and brushed a stray hair from his face. They had a strong 'couple' vibe, but then Noel started teasing Julian about a young actress.

"You only fancy her because her name is Julia," Noel teased, while twirling his hair around his finger. "You just want to be able to call out your own name in bed. Oh, Juliaaa...n. Girls are smart, she'll figure it out."

Julian threw his hands in the air and shrugged. "It's worth a try."

Noel giggled and began fidgetting with his styrofoam cup of coffee. Julian had already teased him about being unable to drink "proper coffee". Rather than just add more sugar, Noel seemed determined to force the drink down his throat.

"What are you doing to that cup?" Rich asked. "What did it ever do to you? It just wants to hold your beverage, for the love of god, let it love you!"

Noel held out a tiny piece of the cup. "This is my wife."

Rich snatched the piece from Noel's hand and started to kiss it tenderly. Noel laughed until he couldn't breath. Julian rubbed Noel's shoulders and told him to calm down. He shot Rich a look over Noel's head that made Rich feel very strange.

It made him feel like he belonged


	5. Growing Pains

Every job offer that came Noel's way seemed to begin with, "Julian said..."

He was grateful for all the work Julian was throwing his way, but it made him wonder if he was even good enough to make it on his own. He'd been making his own headway as a standup, but things had suddenly shifted into high gear when he began working with Julian. He felt so much like a little brother hanging on to his brother's coattails, he'd actually begun bringing his younger brother on the occasional road trip. He suddenly understood what it was like for Mike to live in his shadow, to be "Fielding, the lesser". He was on telly and getting recognized in the streets, but he had a feeling that among his peers, he was Julian's little friend with the hair. Maybe that was because Lee kept referring to Noel as Julian's 'little friend with the hair'. He loved living with Ju and Lee - he always felt like he was he was at an ultracool party - but he missed the comfort of Dave and Nigel. They used to get anxious about things and talk about how they were all big loser failures who would die alone, after years of practicing their "art" as face painters for childrens' parties. Then they would take turn describing how awesome they all were. Noel would get choked up as he told Dave and Nigel how they felt like big brothers because they were so much smarter and more worldy than he. Then they would say he was just already in denial about his age.

Lee and Julian were dark and ironic, self-deprecating and cynical. The only compliment floating around in that atmosphere was the big one. Unlike the rest of the world, Noel didn't perpetually annoy Ju and Lee, and thus, he was allowed into their world. When Lee suggested Noel for a job, it was validating. Julian had his own reasons for wanting Noel to get exposure; Lee just thought Noel was funny. It was reassuring.

He was a nervous wreck on the set of "Unnatural Acts". Julian wheeled and dealed, convinced he and Noel should have their own show, pushing for more double act scenes like the zookeeper stuff. Noel was afraid he was the reason no one at the BBC was biting. Julian was getting acting offers all the time. They'd been well-recieved in the Stewart Lee stage show and had begun writing their own stage show. The word from the BBC seemed to be that they couldn't see how The Mighty Boosh would work without a big budget. The stage show would hopefully prove they didn't need fancy sets; the DIY look suited them.

While filming "Unnatural Acts", it was Rich Fulcher that Noel clung to. He didn't want to be under Julian's feet all day long, but he felt like he was in a foreign country. Everyone around him just seemed to know what to do. Noel didn't even know how loud to speak in front of the camera. When the director, Trevor, prompted Noel to speak up, Julian looked embarrassed and Noel was mortified. Julian was always on him to speak more clearly.

"It's all about volume moderation!" Rich screamed. "You need to speak in a normal tone, like me!"

Noel's laugh was bordering on hysterical because of his nerves. Julian was probably trying to be soothing by putting his arm around Noel's waist, but it had the opposite effect; it always did. Julian was the most neurotic person Noel had ever met and suffered from terrible stage fright, but he knew how to put on the face when it was time to perform. Once the cameras were rolling or the curtains opened, Julian was cool as a cucumber.

When Noel finally got his nervous laughter under control, the director called action. Noel blanked on his line entirely. The next take, Julian stumbled on a word.

"I'm sorry, I fucked it up," Julian appologized, putting his arm around Noel's shoulders. "Next one's a keeper, eh? No more mucking about."

Noel briefly rested his head on Julian's shoulder, trying to absorb some calm and confidence.

"Are the two of you going to make a baby?" Rich asked with feigned seriousness.

"Weeee already have," Julian said, placing his hand on Noel's stomach, "and we're going to name it Rich Fulcher..."

"Is a twat face," Noel finished. When Julian, Rich and Trevor all lost it and gave in to giddy laughter, Noel suddenly felt ten feet tall. The feeling never lasted long enough, but it would get him through the rest of the day.

xxx

The Pod had a regular slot on Comedy Nation, the Boosh had a regular gig at the Hen & Chickens, but they were about to play Edinburgh. Simon, Jessica and Egdar were working on a television pilot and had written a role for Julian based on his character in "Asylum". Things were going well. There was no reason for Julian to be a miserable git, and yet...

Lee fucking Mack was telling him to lighten up.

He was anxious all the time. There were too many angels and devils whispering in his ear, giving him conflicting advice. He needed to focus on the Pod, he needed to focus on the Boosh, he needed to focus on his standup, he needed to focus on his acting. He needed to remain artistically pure. He needed to make some fucking money. Noel drove him crazy with his flakiness, endless chatter, and obsession with all things ridiculous.

Noel would also sit at his feet and listen to him play guitar for hours. Sometimes, he'd bring his latest girl home and they'd make requests like Julian was a one man cover band.

And Noel was amazing on stage. He was terrible at staying on script, but he had what appeared to be an effortless charm. No one would guess he was capable of being nervous, watching him interact with the audience. It was nearly impossible to tell the scripted jokes from the improv; they all sounded spontaneous. Occasionally, the South London raggamuffin came out with a heckler, but Noel was learning to balance out his pixie-like qualities with his sharper edges. He was a nearly perfect partner, always attentive to what Julian was trying to accomplish.

Offstage, he borrowed Julian's things and didn't return them, forgot pans on the burner and nearly burned down the building, filled the bathroom with hair products, couldn't drive OR read a map, stayed up far too late partying when they needed to work, and today, today, he had destroyed Julian's shirt. Julian barely remembered the girlfriend who'd given him the shirt but he very clearly remembered the reason. She said Julian needed something to make him distinctive, that his appearance was too ordinary. Julian no longer needed the Hawaiian shirts (he had Noel to draw attention), but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The Edinburgh shows were bearing down on them like a train.

"You know how to read!" Julian yelled, holding the shirt by the label. "I know you do, because you read the directions on your twelve kinds of hairspray and mousse and all the other shit you need to look like a hedgehog drag queen..."

Noel covered his mouth in shock when he saw the minaturized shirt in Julian's hand. Then he started to laugh.

Julian kicked the laundry basket over, dumping the freshly washed clothes on the ground. Noel wasn't laughing any more.

"What are you doing, you berk? I just washed them!"

"I don't notice any of your clothes being destroyed in the wash..."

"I don't notice you ever doing laundry!" Noel yelled back. "You know the water temperature is dodgy..."

"I don't need fucking excuses from you, I need you to do things right. I need you to pay attention..."

"It's one shirt and it's ugly anyway..."

"It's not one shirt! It's everything! I'm sick of playing your dad, you need to grow up and take some responsibility..."

Julian stopped in shock as a stack of leaflets hit him in the face.

Julian's father had given him a piece of advice when he was a teenager. He'd said, "When you're angry, always stop and take a deep breath. That breath will keep you out of gaol."

It had seemed well barmy at the time, but the advice stuck. Julian took a deep breath.

Noel turned pale and ran into the house. Julian watched him scurry away and wondered what on earth had scared him off.

xxx

"Your domestic disturbance made the Scotsman," Lee pointed out over breakfast. The flat they shared at home was small, but it was a palace compared to the rooms they were renting in Edinborough. There was no point in pretending they had any privacy.

Julian looked guilty and Noel looked embarrassed. Julian had been on edge for weeks, and Noel was taking the exact wrong approach: he was trying not to piss off Julian. The longer Brittle Barratt tried to keep his emotions in check, the bigger the ultimate explosion. It was better to get a big stick and poke away.

"I can't get someone in to review my show, but your fights are getting write-ups in the Scotsman," Lee observed, dryly.

Julian laughed.

Noel said, "Well, we did use props."

Julian laughed harder and ruffled Noel's hair as he walked out of the room.

The look Noel gave Lee was so grateful, it made him uncomfortable. For the first time ever, Noel reminded Lee of Roger. He'd never seen a resemblence before.


	6. Intimacy

"You were terrific, you really kept your cool..."

"You were amazing! The line you improved about the Hen & Chickens..."

"We aren't meant for that size crowd..."

"The Boosh is about intimacy, that's why we won."

"And that's why we bombed."

Noel laughed and buried his face in Julian's chest. They were curled up on Julian's bed, holding one another after a horrible, horrible performance at Edinburgh. After the elation of winning Best Newcomer, they were properly humbled by bombing in front of a massive audience.

"It wasn't that bad," Julian mused, his breath ruffling Noel's hair. "It just wasn't very good."

Noel wished he could crawl into Julian's bed for a cuddle without having to be humiliated first.

Noel closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep when Julian tried to wake him up and send him to his own bed. It didn't take much for Julian to give up and simply turn off the lights. He fought to stay awake, but it was difficult with Julian gently stroking his hair.

xxx

The new show was even better than the first. They were finally able to bring in Rich Fulcher. Their hopes of working on a show for the BBC with Rich and Sean Cullen had rather relied on Sean remaining in the country. Word from the BBC was The Mighty Boosh were a brilliant stage show, but could it work on TV? Julian hadn't taken it well.

They'd added the beautiful, brilliant, and oddly bashful Richard Ayoade. Offstage, he was shy and self-deprecating. Onstage, he was a massive tool and absolutely hilarious. Michael was playing Naboo the Enigma. He only spoke twice, but he had good lines. It worried Noel to bring his brother in and subject him to all the stress and criticism that came with live performance. He addressed his fears to Julian who laughed and said, "He has a South London lisp! He has to be in the show."

How could he argue with that logic? Having Mike along made Noel feel like an adult, for once. He tried to run interference and protect Michael when he could. His little brother was already a pothead, but there were far too many other drugs available as they toured Australia. As with everything, it was all old news to Julian. Noel had been scandalized the first time Julian offered him a bump. It was like having his dad offer to tie him off. Cocaine made Julian... not all that different. If anything, he seemed more relaxed. Noel would feel ready to climb the walls, and Ju would wax philosphical about jazz and comedy. All the stimulants seemed to mellow Julian out a bit. Pot, Benzos and opiates put Julian to sleep. Noel had spent more than one paranoid night staring at Julian to make sure he was still breathing. Julian said hallucinogenics were redundant with Noel around. While it wasn't really a compliment, it still made Noel blush.

Michael already had liver problems; he didn't need to be partying like a rock star.

The last thing Michael needed was to be curled up in a corner with a numb face and racing thoughts, while Julian banged on about Weather Report. Noel would not recomend the experience.

"Stop talking about jazz," Noel pleaded. "You're giving me a panic attack."

"You fear jazz," Julian teased, looking relaxed except that he kept rubbing his nose, checking for residue.

"Where's Mike?" Noel asked, suddenly panicked. "I forgot to watch over Mike!"

"Calm down, chewy teeth, he took off to the beach with some girl. I don't think he wants you watching," Julian said with a distinctly un-Julian giggle.

"No way! He's going to beat me to beach sex? That little motherfucker."

"You've never had sex on a beach?" Julian asked, his stare suddenly intense.

Noel felt himself blushing. "I don't go to the beach. Have you done it?"

Julian fell off his bed laughing and scooted over to Noel's corner.

"I can barely handle the stress of keeping it up in private."

"You done it with that girl in a cab," Noel reminded him. Julian only talked about his sex life when it made for a funny story. That story had ended with the cabbie recognizing Julian and telling him his mum fancied him on "Unnatural Acts".

"I was pissed and she did all the work. And there was no sand or threat of jellyfish. Or sharks."

"That is something they forgot to put in the "Jaws" films," Noel chuckled. "They needed more scenes of Jaws sneaking up on couples shagging on the beach."

"First you've got sand in your crevices, then you've had your leg chomped off at the knee by a great white," Julian pontificated, pulling Noel into a half hug. "It's too much for me to deal with."

"I'm pretty sure it's a law that you have to shag on the beach in Australia. I don't think they let you leave until you can produce some sand in your nether regions. If we want to see England again," Noel explained, "We're going to have to shag on the beach."

It wasn't until Julian made a suggestive noise that Noel realized what he had said. He didn't bother explaining his wording; Julian knew what he really meant.

He meant just what he said.

xxx

Julian was slurring his words and chain smoking - normally a bad sign, but tonight he was in a good mood. He was just going on about his favorite obsession, the lovely Julia Davis. Julian always had a new theory why Julia wouldn't go out with him. Noel thought it might have something to do with the fact that Julian never actually asked her out.

"The thing is - so this is the thing: the first time I met Julia, I was still dating Roger, so now she sees me as this sexually confused person who is desperate for affection - which is true - but not a reason she shouldn't marry me," Julian said with great authority, as he tapped on the mahogany bar before adding, "and have my babies."

"You wanna repeat that?" Noel asked, his stomach somewhere on the floor. He clutched at his bar stool for support.

"I want Julia to have my babies," Julian repeated with exagerrated annoyance. "Keep up."

"Who the fuck is Roger?" Noel could feel his face turning red, and Julian was just giving him a guileless look like there was nothing strange or earth-shattering in what he had just said.

Julian twitched. "Roger. Bass player? I know you've met him. Tall, darkish, glasses..."

"You said you were dating Roger when you met Julia," Noel squawked, hating the high-pitched tone coming from his mouth.

They had been sitting at the bar so closely their shoulders were pressed together, and Noel could smell the whiskey on Julian's breath. Now there was a foot between them, and Julian had lost his loopey, drunken, Julia Davis loving expression.

"Yeah?"

"Well... He's a man!" Noel whispered, exasperated by Julian's confusion, like he had no idea what Noel was on about. "Since when did you date men?"

"I don't, not since Roger, and that only lasted two months... Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You're wearing eye-liner, for Christ's sake, you can't be that straight," Julian said in his I'm-joking-now-but-I'm-about-to-get-pissed-off voice. Noel knew it was time to retreat. That would be the smart thing to do.

"So you were fucking some guy named Roger for two months... When was this? How has this never come up before now?"

It was the moment Julian should have either started yelling or simply stormed off; instead, he slumped over the bar. "I don't like to talk about it."

"I guess not!" Noel couldn't control the pitch of his voice. Soon only dogs would be able to hear him. "Does everyone but me know about this?"

"This?" Julian repeated, running his tongue over his teeth. "Yeah. We're not having this conversation."

"Why do you just get to decide what we will and won't talk about? You're just the god in this relationship? You just get to hand down decrees from your fucking mountain..."

"You're yelling, and you're yelling utter shite, so I'm leaving," Julian said in his all-too-familiar, icy tone before downing his lager. "Piss off, Noel."

"Fuck you, Ju!" Noel yelled. As soon as he did, he silently acknowledged that Julian had a point about going around calling someone Ju. It did sound a bit anti-semitic during an argument.

Julian walked away like Noel wasn't worth glaring at.


	7. Better than Fine

Noel chased Julian out of the bar, weaving like the footballer he was through the crowd until he caught up with Julian in the street.

"Julian! Don't fucking walk away from me!" Noel yelled, furious when Julian didn't even slow his pace. " At least talk to me about... about what this means."

"It has nothing to do with you!" Julian snapped, just glancing over his shoulder. "The world doesn't revolve around you."

Noel reached out for Julian's arm, but Julian pulled away. "Please, Ju. Talk to me."

Julian sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It was a long time ago, before I knew you. Why does it matter?"

"Because that's a big thing," Noel explained with a frustrated sigh. "That's something a friend should know."

"I suppose it is," Julian responded in an icy tone.

"I tell you everything and you tell me nothing. Sometimes I feel like I don't know you at all."

Julian frowned. "And that's my fault, is it? You don't know a thing about me so... I'm the bad friend."

Julian turned on his heel and stormed off. Noel couldn't move.

It wasn't until Julian disapeared into the crowd that Noel's brain starting working again.

"Ju!"

Noel ran through the crowd, screaming at the top of his lungs, until he ran straight into Julian's chest.

"You've gone wrong, Noel," Julian sighed before walking away again.

"Don't leave me crying in the streets like..."

Julian stopped short, again causing Noel to run into him.

"Crying like what?" Julian asked.

Noel felt like he needed to choose his words carefully; Julian was about to take one of his deep breaths.

"Like... I don't know, like someone who runs through the streets crying. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I never know what will make you angry. It's not 'cause I don't care, I care, Ju." Tears were spilling down his cheeks and people were looking. "I'm sorry I don't understand you. I just don't know..."

_Why you don't want me if you wanted him._

"I don't know," Noel said weakly, scrubbing at his face. He needed more sleep and less liquor.

He nearly sagged under the weight of Julian's hand on his arm. He allowed himself to be steered away from the street towards the beach.

xxx

Julian smoked two cigarettes before he started talking.

"There's no big story, it just didn't work out."

Noel tried to remember meeting a Roger. How had he met the man and not known?

"I thought it would be different with another man, but it wasn't. It was exactly the same," Julian continued before flopping down onto his back in the sand. Noel gently lowered himself down, carefully leaving space between them.

"It must have been a little different," Noel pointed out gently, "I mean, if it wasn't, you've been doing something wrong..."

He was relieved when Julian chuckled, even more so when he was pulled in for a one-armed hug. Roger couldn't have appreciated being held by Julian the way Noel did. No one could.

"He said I was closed off, distant, " Julian continued. Noel wanted to look at his face, but Julian had his head pressed to his chest. Noel wondered how many of Julian's embraces were simple attempts to avoid eye contact.

"We're men, for Christ's sake. We're English!" Julian's laugh was free of mirth. He let go of Noel's head. Noel slowly moved his head until he could see Julian's face. The older man looked heartbroken.

"I'm not that bad," Julian whispered, "am I?"

Noel pressed his lips to Julian's chest. "You're fine, Julian. You're better than fine."

There were so many things Noel wanted to say, but he didn't dare. He was afraid of being rejected by Julian.

He was afraid of not being rejected. Roger had a point.

When Julian kissed him on stage, it was always a bit rough. Noel still wasn't sure why those kisses happened; he never dared to ask. This kiss was gentle, like the first kiss in Noel's bedroom. This one was a little less sloppy, but no less exciting. Noel tangled his fingers in Julian's hair, determined to enjoy every minute before Ju decided to up and leave.

Julian rolled Noel onto his back and settled himself between Noel's legs. It was dark in their little alcove, but the glow from a disco was peeking over the rocks. They should have moved farther down the beach.

Noel's concerns were obliterated by Julian's hand on his crotch. They were exactly where they should be, nowhere could be better. Fuck the disco. Julian shushed him when he made even the slightest noise. Noel was so nervous, he didn't even try to touch Julian until his hand was shoved down the Northener's pants. Once granted access, Noel did his best to make up for his lack of initiative. He didn't have much experience with other men, but he certainly knew how to wank.

"Fuck," Julian whispered appreciatively. "This is going to last about ten seconds."

"Good," Noel whispered, "Because we're going to get arrested. There's old ladies playing checkers ten feet away."

Julian chuckled quietly. "It's a bit late for old ladies on the beach."

Noel bit his lip and tried to think about the disaproving eyes of old ladies. It bought him a few more minutes. "They're up early, gettin' ready for breakfast. You know how old people are when it comes to eating early."

Julian hadn't finished laughing when he went back to snogging Noel. Noel came first, as he expected, but Julian wasn't far behind - finally giving Noel a chance to do some shushing.

Julian didn't look at him as they cleaned up and pulled their clothes into place. Even as he held out a hand to help Noel up, he still kept his eyes averted.

Noel had no delusions about what had just happened. It was an abberation, a moment of weakness because Julian was feeling vulnerable and down. It didn't mean anything.

The tension was so thick between them, Noel felt like he was walking through pudding as they headed back to their hotel.

"At least we know they'll let us out of the country," Noel joked as their hotel came into view. Julian laughed and put his arm around Noel, pulling his head to Julian's chest and making it impossible for Noel to see his expression.


	8. Yellow

Dee normally didn't give a shit about comedians, but Sue said she would like these guys, if only because of the sexual tension.

"They fucking snogged at the end of the show. No reason, the big one just slapped a kiss on the little one," Sue explained, her words a bit slurred from a few too many.

Dee did like to watch men kiss. The next night, she and Sue went to see the Mighty Boosh.

The night after that, the little one was at her gig. He was easy to pick out, with his bent nose and gorgeous eyes. He was wearing make-up and cowboy boots. He looked like a kid who'd gotten into his mother's things, and his mother had really amazing taste in boots.

"I am going to kick your ass and take those boots," Dee said by way of introducing herself. The little one gave an almost shy smile.

"You can't handle these boots. They'll be runnin' free while you just try 'n keep up."

"Where's the other one?" Dee asked, looking around for the big one.

"The other what?" he asked, looking at his boots.

"Your partner, the big one," Dee explained. It pissed her off when people talked about her and Sue like they were Siamese twins. She assumed it would piss off Beautiful Eyes as well. For good measure she added, "You know, the funny one."

He laughed and asked to buy her a drink. He was drinking a soda, saying he'd recently had some liver problems.

"Woke up yellow one day. Ju tried to get me to go to the hospital before I even did my hair! Mental."

"You have a friend named Jew?" Dee asked as she downed her pint, indicating that Little Pretty Eyes should get her another.

"Yeah, he's genius," he said, his cheeks turning pink as he spoke. "He's the big one. The funny one."

They were snogging on the couch in the "dressing room"/utility closet when Sue came through the door. It was during the obligatory introductions that Dee learned the little one was called Noel.

xxx

"We definit-titly need to write you into the show," Simon slurred over his pint.

"Definite titly," Noel repeated with a laugh, stirring his ice water like a cocktail. His color was back to normal, but Julian couldn't help staring at him. While he felt the good and supportive thing to do would be to cut back on his own drinking while Noel had to live as a teetotaler, he couldn't really deal with Noel's illness without the aid of liquor. Noel had turned _yellow_. It had been two weeks ago, and Noel was recovering like a champ, but Julian still woke up in the morning thinking of Noel's jaundiced face as he'd driven his friend to the hospital - Noel fussing with his hair in the rearview mirror the whole time.

"Maybe they'll cast you as Daisy," Jessica smirked. "You know they'll want to get someone in who's thinner and prettier..."

"What are you on about?" Noel squawked, waving his arms. "You are fit. I asked Ju to put in a word for me during 'Asylum'. He said I was delusional."

Jessica snorted and punched Noel in the arm. Simon went a bit red and drained his pint. Julian had no idea if Noel had asked him about Jessica; his memory wasn't great at the best of times, and he'd always been drunk when he talked to Noel in those days. It was still his number one coping mechanism. Nothing else took away life's sharp edges. It was more likely that he'd told Noel that if he'd thought Jessica was available, he'd have made a move himself. He'd assumed there was either something between Jessica and Simon, or there soon would be. He was still a little surprised they weren't a couple; they had such obvious chemistry. Even as Jessica and Noel chatted and flirted, the chemistry between Jessica and Simon was palpable.

Of course, chemistry was a delicate thing. It didn't take much to throw things off, to make things awkward and difficult where they had always been easy before.

"Even Dee thinks..." Noel was cut off by a collective groan from the table. It had become a running joke, but Noel couldn't seem to go five minutes without mentioning his girlfriend, regardless of how much he was teased. Julian thought it was cute. Noel was a romantic at heart. He wanted to be in love.

"I'm trying to talk about girl on girl action here!" Noel protested. "And I'm getting groans from the audience? You lot need to try a life of moderation."

Julian clinked his beer bottle to Noel's water glass. "To the moderate ways of Noel Fielding."

"Dee says moderation is great," Simon simpered, twirling an imaginary piece of hair. "She also says I like ice water..."

Julian laughed, but he also threw his arm around Noel and gave him a peck on the top of the head. After all Noel had been through, he could be as annoying as he liked about his new lady.

As they drank and convinced themselves that "Spaced" was going to make them all huge stars, Julian watched Jessica and Simon interact. The attraction was obvious, but maybe it was better that they kept it in the performance. It would be terrible to see such a natural partnership disintegrate because Simon wouldn't take out the trash or Jessica's best friend was always coming over unannounced.

There were so many ways to be a couple, and each one brought its own risks and rewards. In the waiting room, wondering if Noel would ever be all right again, Julian had promised himself that he would never again do anything to risk their friendship. No more fights about trivial things, no more sorry scenes like the one on the beach. Noel had always seemed immune to the dangers of the real world, with his perpetual, wide-eyed innocence, but his illness proved he was just as fragile as everything else Julian cared about.

It also made Julian realize just how much he needed Noel, not just as a friend and colleague but as a grounding presence in his life. When Julian felt like he was spiraling out of control and on the edge of losing everything, it was Noel he looked to to stay focused. His feral imp who always rolled with the punches, who always accepted Julian as the sum of his flaws.

He was used to worrying about Noel in a professional capacity. He wanted to help Noel, but he worried about smothering his natural talents and undermining him as an individual performer. It was in Julian's nature to over-analyze, but he felt a lot of responsibility to his partner. The six years between them were enormous in performance years. He wanted to shield Noel from the bumps and bruises that came with the industry, but it was impossible. He certainly couldn't protect Noel from the moody, needy, paranoid, neurotic bag of vice that was Julian Barratt. Every time Julian tried to pull himself together, to be a little less fragile and dependent on the opinion of others, he was accused of being cold and distant. Noel sometimes argued that they should just use their own names in the stage show (since they frequently slipped and used their real names anyway), but Julian needed to be Howard Moon on stage. It was hard enough being Julian offstage; he needed somewhere to escape.

He tried to explain it all to Noel as they walked back to their hotel, but Julian was way too pissed and Noel was far too sober. He kept insisting that Julian didn't need to change or hide, that he was fine as he was.

Julian pinned Noel against the wall in an alley and snogged him until a cop shooed them away. It was the only way he could be completely honest with Noel without making him cry or run away. It was a good thing Dee wasn't the jealous type. She was tiny, but Julian had no doubt she could stab him in the knee before he had a chance to explain he wasn't a threat. Julian wasn't a threat to anyone.


	9. AutoBoosh

"Spaced" was a go, Julian was not, and he was crushed. It was a silly contractual conflict, but no one involved in "Spaced", including Julian, had the clout to have the show delayed. Julian's role was recast. It made Noel angry that Julian was replaced by Mark Heap, because Noel quite liked Mark and wanted to hate the person playing what should have been Julian's role. Julian insisted he was fine; he was happy for Mark and he was glad to focus on the Boosh. Then he didn't get out of bed for three days.

"I'd like to bring the Hitcher into the mix," Noel announced as he climbed in bed with his flatmate. Julian growled, but moved over to give Noel room.

"We'll do a stage show about a road trip! Genius," Noel continued. "I love that character. I like to be evil."

"With his minty vision?" Julian asked, sounding grouchy but looking interested. "We had some good car gags."

"The Gary Numan collection? Genius."

"Isadora Duncan," Julian added.

"Bootlace roads."

"We spend half our lives in a car or bus, and you still can't be arsed to learn how to drive," Julian grumbled. His three-day-stubble rather suited him. Noel teased Julian about his occasionally shambolic look, but he actually preferred it when his partner looked a bit rough around the edges.

"Don't be mean to me, Ju. You know you would never let me drive, anyway."

Julian ruffled Noel's hair. "Fair do's."

Noel allowed his hair to be carelessly destroyed by Julian's long fingers. A mangled barnet was a small price to pay for Julian's undivided attention, especially when Julian was in the middle of an epic strop. Julian pressed the back of his hand to Noel's forehead.

"You're not even trying to protect your hair. Are you ill?"

"I'm sorry things didn't work out, Ju. I really am," Noel said, throwing an arm around Julian. If Ju was going to kick him out of bed for mentioning the cause of his sulk, Noel wanted to get a snuggle in first.

"Sorry that what didn't work out?" Julian asked, suddenly snapping out of his stupor.

Noel felt like he was standing on a precipice. He needed to tread carefully.

"Sorry about the show. I was a bit jealous n'all," Noel admitted. It felt good to say it out loud. "But I really wanted it to work out for you."

"Oh, that," Julian said with a thoughtful nod.

"What did you think I was talking about?" Noel asked, but it was already too late. Julian's face had already closed for business. It would take a crowbar to pry off the mask, once Julian decided to end a conversation.

"Why are you in my bed?" Julian asked, still sounding irritable but continuing to play with Noel's hair.

"Why does a man crawl into another man's bed?" Noel purred. Julian raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Noel panicked.

"I need a sleepy," Noel said, tucking a pillow under his head.

Julian chuckled and rolled over, leaving Noel to stare at the back of his head and wonder.

xxx

It was a silly, kind of cheeky chat show. A low-budget bit of fluff, but quite naughty, hosted by "Aphrodite". Julian wanted no part of it; he wasn't keen to discuss his sex life with his friends, much less strangers.

Julian suggested Noel do it alone and said it would be good publicity.

It was all a blur. He forgot to look at the camera. He didn't do a thing to promote the Boosh. He blubbered on about Dee.

The host asked him about losing his virginity.

She made him do a "cum face" for the camera.

He felt buzzed for days. Julian kept teasing him about his future as a teen heartthrob in Australia. The night the interview clip aired, he and Julian watched it together in their hotel room. Noel looked nervously from the TV to Julian's face, needing to see if he was making Julian laugh. It had been a while since he'd done any performing on his own, and he was eager for Julian's approval.

Julian ruffled his hair while Noel banged on about boots and Dee.

Then the part about the gods came up. Noel had forgotten that part. The hostess was supposed to be the goddess Aphrodite, so they had talked about having sex with gods. Noel said:

"He's not interested. He just wants a quick handjob, and he's gone."

And:

"That's the problem with gods: they take what they want, then they're gone."

Just jokes that didn't mean a thing, jokes that weren't about anyone or anything. He wouldn't have thought twice about them if Julian hadn't turned to stone. His entire body tensed, and his face was granite. Noel spent the rest of the evening tiptoeing around the room, trying not to set Julian off. Noel and Dee fought all the time, big, angry fights with yelling and door slamming. Dee threatened to cut his balls off at least once a month, but the fights never lasted to the next morning. They woke up and laughed about the previous night's blowout.

Two fights with Julian, and Noel was terrified to have a third. Everything went to hell between them when they argued. It was like they had to fall in love all over again. He was undressing for bed when he finally broke.

"I didn't mean nothing, Ju! I was just making jokes. I was nervous."

Noel wanted to look at Julian through his fingers, the way he had watched monster movies as a kid. He needed some kind of protection if Julian was going to look at him in that cold way. Noel couldn't take a direct hit.

"Ju, don't be cross with me. I didn't do nuthin'. It were jokes."

"I'm not angry," Julian said, sounding muffled.

Noel risked a peek at Julian and found his partner was already in bed, clutching one of his pillows like a teddy bear. He was peering at Noel from over his protective pillow, looking more sad than anything.

Noel knelt on the bed next to his friend and gave his curly head a pat. "It didn't mean nuthin'."

"Do you ever get the feeling you and I are talking about two completely different things?" Julian asked, his eyes impossible to read.

"Only all the time!" Noel exclaimed. "Sometimes I think we're writing two different bits as well, but it all works together somehow. My bits and your bits..."

Noel froze and waited for Julian to respond. After mulling it over for a moment, Julian grabbed Noel by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down onto the bed. He tickled Noel mercilessly with his freakishly long fingers that seemed to reach every rib at once.

"So you think our bits go together?" Julian asked as Noel shamelessly cried out for mercy. He'd grown up as the big brother; he wasn't used to being manhandled. He was used to doing the torturing.

"Only our comedy bits, our comedy bits join together..." Noel panted. "But only at night, with the lights out, and under the duvet."

After nearly making him wet his pants, Julian eased up on the tickling, throwing an arm around Noel as he clutched his sides.

"You bastard," Noel whined. "That was some non-consensual tickling, mate! I'll have you for this."

"You're wearing a shirt with skeleton ribs over your real ribs," Julian observed. "You might as well be holding a sign that says, 'Tickle me'."

"Don't go blamin' the victim," Noel pouted, snuggling into Julian's arms. Julian let him stay put long enough to pretend to fall asleep.

Then he fell asleep.


	10. Calf and Cow

Title: The Calf and Cow

Author: Concupid

Rating: R-ish

Warning: language, non-explicit sex, het references

Summary: The boys pass through Leeds.

Author's note: I tried to find out Julian's mother's name. I went to the hardcore fans and she remains a mystery, so I took a shot in the dark. Apologies the real Mrs. Julian's mom (for many reasons). Thank you Bluey and everyone who has been so supportive.

Jules told her not to make a fuss and not to waste her money, so Jackie only planned to pick up a few things for her son and his friends as they passed through Yorkshire. Of course, she'd have to pick up some fizzy drinks and sweets for Noel. She imagined Rich would probably like fizzy drinks as well, being American. She'd pick up some "Krispy Kreme" doughnuts in the morning. Company was a good excuse to buy something so absurdly unhealthy, and it might make Rich feel more at home. Julian and Noel made him sound like such a crazy character, but whenever she saw him, he was as quiet and polite as if he were in church. Jackie couldn't imagine being so far from home.

And there was the other Rich, the one who went to Cambridge. He'd been to the house once and had taken his tea without sugar. She believed it was because he had been raised posh and appreciated a good tea. Jules insisted it was because Richard hated to be a bother. She'd picked up a good Earl Grey, to be safe. She couldn't go by Jules' assessment; he was in his own little world and always had been. He could never see what was right in front of him. Poor Roger had hung on his every word for years before Jules realized they weren't just friends. Jackie had tried to talk to her son, but he couldn't be told. When he'd told his parents he and Roger were a couple, he'd opened with, "I don't need to hear, 'I told you so'..."

Jackie held her tongue. She rather hoped Jules would eventually settle down with a woman and give her grandchildren, but she had accepted long ago that she would never have any say. Jules was a wonderful son, but he was difficult at times.

He could never be told.

Now he came around with his comedy partner, and it was Roger all over again. Noel gazed at Jules as though he had hung the stars and the moon, but Jules insisted they were just friends. He pointed to Noel's girlfriend, as though that meant anything. Even Elton John had been married! Jackie well knew that a person could love more than one person at the same time. The fact that she couldn't live under the same roof with him didn't mean she loved her ex-husband any less. Sometimes things just didn't work out, and it had nothing to do with a lack of love.

Clearly Jules thought a lot of Noel, since he tolerated the nickname "Ju". Jules had been sixteen when he decided he wanted to be known only as Julian. Jackie still slipped and called him Jules, or occasionally caught herself mid-word and ended up saying Julesian. Jules said he didn't mind if she still called him Jules, but she could tell that he did.

xxx

Noel loved visiting Julian's family. They were so quiet and proper; it made Noel laugh to imagine a young "Jules" playing in a band called Satan's Hoof, rebelling against his sweetly indulgent parents. Julian always made himself out to be a bit of a loner and an outcast when he was young, but the photo albums told a very different story. Julian always seemed to be surrounded by friends and pretty girls. All his girlfriends were pretty but earthy. There were no glamour girls, no one who wore as much make-up as Noel. Low-maintenance girls for a boy who wrongly insisted he was low-maintenance as well.

When Julian fell asleep on the sofa, his mother brought out the baby pictures.

"People ask if I named him after Julian Pettifer!" Jackie announced, sounding scandalized. "Of course, I named him after John Lennon's son. I never gave the name a second thought until I heard John say it in his lovely voice."

Noel looked at Julian, curled up on his mum's couch. It seemed impossible that Julian could ever seem cold or unreachable.

Jackie leaned forward, like she was telling a secret. "The song 'Hey, Jude' came out when Jules was just tiny. I would sing, 'Hey, Jules' to him all the time. Of course, we didn't know back then that the song was written for Julian Lennon. We all thought it was about John. Even John thought it was about John."

Noel looked at Julian, and wondered what it would be like to have a child. He tried to imagine having a tiny little person he could hold in his arms and sing songs to. Someone he could name after an idol, or an idol's son. He tried to picture having a baby with Dee.

It was easier to picture having a child with Julian, but Noel wasn't ready for the stretch marks.

xxx

Julian practically had to carry Noel up the path. He didn't own a practical pair of shoes and slipped on the grass and tripped over every rock. Noel was insistent about getting the full tour of Julian's misspent youth, and the Calf and Cow were a big part of that. The Calf and Cow, infrequent sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.

Julian gave up and threw Noel over his shoulder. It was just easier.

"Is this what you'd do with your girlfriends?" Noel asked, once he stopped giggling like a madman.

"No," Julian snapped, feigning an ire he did not feel. "My girlfriends were too smart to wear heels to go wandering across the moor."

"I feel like Cathy," Noel continued, ignoring Julian's statement, "and you're Heathcliff, except you're all broody and stroppy."

"Heathcliff was all broody and stroppy... have you never read 'Wuthering Heights'? I thought you said you did a project on it."

"I did! It was more of an interpretative piece than a traditional project..."

"Based solely on the Kate Bush song?"

"No! I also used pictures of Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon."

xxx

Noel had wanted acid or shrooms, but Julian felt a joint was more than sufficient to give Noel the proper Calf and Cow experience. Oddly enough, marijuana was one of the few things in life that didn't make Julian paranoid, but Noel was clinging to his side as though he were going to fall off their grassy knoll and go plunging headfirst into the great expanse of Yorkshire.

"So you'd be up here with your long hair, droppin' acid... snogging girls?" Noel asked, his voice muffled by Julian's shirt sleeve.

Julian chuckled. "I got my first blowie up here. Best 13 seconds of my life."

Julian tried to picture the girl, but his memory of his youth was a bit fuzzy. He was pretty sure she'd been blonde. He clearly remembered her spitting onto the ground and wiping her tongue with her hand.

"Did…?"

Julian gave Noel roughly a minute to finish his thought before prompting him: "Did... what?"

"What? Oh. Oh, um..."

Julian ruffled Noel's hair. He was cute when he got all paranoid and nervous.

"Did you ever...?" Noel went a deep shade of red. "Were there ever boys?"

He was very cute when he was nervous, and he was clinging to Julian like Julian was some big, strong protector.

"Sort of... no snogging, just..."

"Handjobs?" Noel's eyes were very wide. It had been weed that had prompted both those encounters. Maybe he should have gotten shrooms.

"And..."

Roger had been within arm's reach, losing his virginity to Julian's girlfriend's best friend. There had been a lot of substances involved, and Julian remembered how every time he'd tried to sneak a peek, Roger was staring straight at him.

"And what?" Noel asked. One hand had loosened its death grip on Julian's bicep and was running over Julian's stomach.

"Nothing." Even after ending things, there had been a few more encounters with Roger. It was hard to resist being wanted so badly.

He took a long pull and closed his eyes, holding it down until his lungs burned.

"Julian?"

He didn't dare look at Noel. Noel was desperately in love with a bad-ass girl in a rock band. Julian wanted to eventually settle down and have kids.

"Julian?"

Noel's hand had moved downwards, hovering right above Julian's erection like he was waiting for permission. Maybe he was.

Julian took another pull and stubbed the joint out before lying back on the grass. Noel's hands were shaking, but Julian let him do all the work of unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his flares. Noel was leaving traces of lipstick as he moved his mouth up and down Julian's cock, and those pink streaks were too much for Julian to handle. He stared up at the cloudless sky and stroked Noel's hair, wishing the real world could be just a little more like the Calf and Cow.


	11. The Daughter-in-law

Title: Every Unsatisfied Urge

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Noel/Julian

Warnings: drug references, angst, RPF

Summary: Noel, Dave, Mike and Pete stay with Julian's dad. Awkwardness occurs

Author's note: I know it's been a while but thanks to 10,000 words in 10 days, another installment. I can't thank bluestocking79 enough for her beta/support/cheerleading. Thank you to everyone who is reading and I eat up comments like little cakes.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh and what is based on reality, is often based on the inconsistent and poor memories of those involved.

Noel just laughed when people called his brother a pothead or a stoner. People who met Mike now would never guess how nervous and unhappy he had always been before finding marijuana. Noel was a nervous person as well, but he'd learned to use that energy constructively. Mike had been crushed by his anxiety. Julian rolled his eyes when Noel pointed out that Mike would need to be able to smoke up, so he probably shouldn't stay with Julian's mum. Noel allowed Julian to keep believing Mike was just a recreational drug user. Julian certainly knew about self-medication, but it somehow felt wrong to share Mike's past with anyone. He had a current persona as a carefree, easy-going stoner, and Noel didn't want to mess with that. Noel knew how hard it was to reinvent yourself.

So Noel, Mike, Mike's mate Pete, and Dave all went to stay with Julian's father on the other side of town. For someone who had complicated reactions to everything, Julian had really healthy relationships with all of his parents. It made Noel wonder where all Ju's relationship issues came from. As far as broken homes went, Julian's seemed pretty well put together. Julian's step-dad gave Noel some money, "just in case". Julian's parents were always giving them money, like they were little kids. No matter how successful Julian was, Noel had a feeling his mum and step-dad would always think of him as a kid until he got a "proper" job. Julian would put up a fuss and refuse the money, but Noel would allow a few notes to be slipped into his hand or pocket. They didn't need the money, but it made Julian's folks happy, and it made Noel feel warm and safe, like he was a little kid. A little kid in a normal family.

Plus, sometimes they needed the money.

Andy was watering his lawn when they pulled up, and he immediately ran over to them. He pulled them each out of the car, hugging them like long-lost sons. Noel wouldn't be surprised if he had an actual fatted calf set aside for dinner. He was as gregarious as Julian was reserved. The first time he and Julian had stayed at Andy's, Ju had had a few drinks and fallen asleep on the couch, while Noel and his father spent hours talking. Noel had been happily buzzed on lager and listening to Andy proudly go on about his record collection and his son's various accomplishments. Noel had felt like a proper man, drinking and chatting with Andy. The only things they had in common were a love of music and Julian, but that was more than enough to keep the conversation going. After Andy had given him a rough pat on the back and said he was heading to bed, he'd subtly hinted that he didn't mind if Noel and Julian shared a room. Andy looked completely sincere as he'd explained he was a "liberal kind of guy," and Noel choked on his lager.

As Andy had bent Noel over and smacked his back until he'd stopped coughing (with beer coming out of his nose and mascara running down his cheeks), he was back to feeling like a little kid. He was a man(nish) child, perpetually out of his element, as he awkwardly tried to explain that he and Julian did not share a bed (although they sometimes did) and there was nothing physical between them (although there sometimes was). As confusing as their relationship might be, Noel had felt he needed to make it clear to Andy that Julian wasn't keeping him around for sex. Enough people already questioned Julian's need for Noel as a comedy partner; he didn't need his value being questioned for other purposes as well. Julian's father had apologized profusely. He looked like Julian when he apologized, or at least like Julian when he was drunk and apologetic. Ju could be so sincere and passionate in those moments, it was hard not to wonder what else he kept buried in his brain when sober.

_"Whadja do?"_ Julian had mumbled from the couch. _"What time is it?"_

_"Bedtime,"_ Noel said, instinctively holding his hand out for Julian's. He'd waited for Julian to grab it, so he could heave him off the couch - he might have even made a pained noise and made a joke about Julian's pumpkin arse getting heavy - but he'd suddenly felt like he was saying, "Let's go upstairs, darling! I am dying to suck your cock."

Oblivious, Julian had grabbed Noel's hand and yanked him down until Noel fell in Julian's lap. Noel struggled to get back to his feet but the arm Julian had draped over his chest weighed a ton. When he was drunk and tired, Julian's long limbs were like downed tree trunks. Noel had lost more than one argument by having a Northern pin dropped on his legs like a living safety belt.

Andy was suddenly very interested in an imaginary piece of lint on his sweater.

_"Wass wrong?"_ Julian slurred. _"You 'fraid I'll mess up your hair?"_

Mortified as he was, Noel could already hear himself explaining it all to Julian later on. He'd set the scene with himself being comically stunned at Andy's suggestion. He'd do his terrible Northern accent for Andy and make him sound like a beatnik.

"Hey man, it's cool. Love is love, I ain't here to judge," Andy would say, as he snapped his fingers.

As he told the story, he would make Julian equal parts brutish and over-sexed, like something out of a trashy romance novel. Julian would laugh and, soon enough, he wouldn't remember what had really happened anyway. Noel could arrange the details any way he wanted to; Julian just cared about the storytelling.

Julian had smacked him on the ass as they'd headed towards the stairs.

Andy told Julian, "Set Noel up wherever you think he'll be most comfortable. You know where everything is."

It all would have been a lot less confusing if Noel had known about Roger then. It would have been less confusing if just about _anyone_ on the planet had been involved, other than Julian. No one else was even capable of causing so much chaos without trying. Noel had ended up blurting out the whole story at the top of the stairs. He didn't bother trying to make it funny, but Julian had laughed anyway. The next day, he would tell the story better, but for the night, he'd been content to let Julian apologize in his heartfelt way for making him uncomfortable. Julian had felt so bad that his father had mistaken Noel for his boyfriend that he'd let Noel sleep in his bed with him. The irony had not been lost on Noel, but it didn't seem to cross Ju's mind.

"So," Andy said as he helped them with their luggage, bringing Noel back to the present, "has Julian's head gone all big, now that he's going to be a movie star?"

Noel laughed. "Yeah, he's gonna be the new Errol Flynn."

Julian had assured Noel he'd set his father straight about their relationship, but Andy still treated Noel like a prospective daughter-in-law, bringing every conversation back to Julian's many attributes. When Julian was in a strop, Andy would inevitably remind Noel that, "Jules has always been sensitive."

"He's so nervous, but he's good at everything he does. Both my kids are like that," Andy continued. "They're like their mother that way, thank god, but people are going to realize he was made for the big screen."

It was a little embarrassing, but it was kind of nice that, even though Julian was currently dating a beautiful girl with a proper job , Andy was still talking Julian up to Noel. Like there was a chance of Noel becoming disenchanted.

"I'm sorry," Dave piped in, "but is Julian actually doing a movie?"

Noel said no. Andy said yes. Noel wanted to punch Julian in the face.

"A big picture, too, with big names! It'll be a real stepping stone for him," Andy explained, beaming with fatherly pride.

It was like a gut wound. Julian had insisted he wasn't going to pursue acting, despite his agent's suggestions; he kept saying that he didn't really want to say other people's words. Noel had never tried to persuade him either way. He wasn't about to be the one to get in Julian's way. All he'd asked was that Julian be honest about his career plans.

Andy dropped the bags he was holding, grabbed Noel by the arm, and physically turned him so they were face to face. "Jules told you about the movie? I know he was worried you'd be upset, but..."

"Yeah! Yeah, course he told me, but he hasn't told anyone else," Noel lied. Andy looked so worried that he couldn't bear to make the older man feel guilty.

"It's not a done deal," Andy explained to Mike, Pete and Dave. "And you know Julian. He always expects the worst. Don't tell him I spilled the beans on his big news. Act surprised when he tells you."

xxx

He tried to keep his tone light, but his eyes were welling up and his voice was cracking. On the other end of the line, Julian was silent.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Noel croaked into the phone. He whispered, lest Andy overhear.

"I'm not going to be in a movie," Julian finally explained. "It's not going to happen. They're going to get a proper actor."

"You _are_ a proper actor, Ju. You're so good." Noel couldn't help but try to comfort Julian. Andy was right: Julian was good at so many things, but he never let himself believe it.

"I was going to tell you. I was just waiting for the right time..."

"We've been together almost non-stop for a month..."

"That's it, yeah?" Julian interrupted. "I didn't want to say something that might... I just wanted to get through Edinburgh before I rocked the boat."

Noel reassured Julian that he was brilliant and handsome, and that of course he wasn't angry. He still wanted to poke Julian's tiny little eyes right out of his head, but he could never resist the urge to coddle his insecure partner. He imagined himself as a 1950's housewife, pressing a perfect crease into her man's trousers and turning a blind eye to the lipstick on his collar - all in the name of maintaining the illusion of living happily ever after.


	12. Swept Away

Noel had been talking to a pretty blonde in a bikini. He didn't even fancy her—he liked his girls with a bit more edge—but she was friendly and flirtatious. He was telling her where she could see him perform, and ignoring her hints that he get her a free ticket, when the yelling began.

The blonde laughed. "Looks like some of your friends have been swept out to sea."

Noel scanned the water for familiar faces. There were people too far out to identify, but he could see Lee Mack waving for help. Noel wasn't an especially strong swimmer and there were already professionals swimming out to his rescue, so there wasn't much left to do but watch and be useless. He looked for Mike, who was a truly crap swimmer, and was relieved to see him on the beach with Pete and Dave. He relaxed for a moment, until Dave jumped to his feet. He was too far away to hear, and he could barely make out the movement of his lips, but he knew in his bones that Julian was in the water.

Lee was being hauled onto the shore when one of the distant figures began waving his arms. The burly lifeguards were back in the water, looking like real-life superheroes. They were all beautiful and tanned, with pastel-colored, sun-blocked noses. Watching them slice through the water like tiny chainsaws on an enormous pat of butter, Noel felt his fear pulling further away. He was still worried, but he had the reassuring feeling that there were 'responsible people' in charge. It was like when he was a child and his dad had helped him set up a monster-proof force field around his bed. Julian was not going to drown, because there were professionals on hand. There were grown-ups ready to sort things out.

"Julian's going to be fine. Those guys swim through a riptide to wake up in the morning," Dave said in his calm and mature voice. Noel jumped, wondering how long he'd been in a daze, to miss the fact that Dave had appeared at his side. He wrapped an arm around Dave's solid frame, feeling immediately soothed, but he didn't take his eyes off of Julian.

Noel stared at Julian as he was dragged back to shore, not wanting to blink, for fear his partner would disappear under the water. As long as he kept Julian in his sight, he could will him back to safety.

When Julian was embarrassed, he looked annoyed. When he was beyond mortified and wanted to dig a hole and bury himself, he looked embarrassed. He was blushing and laughing nervously as he cracked jokes about his near-drowning.

"When I had to choose between death and making a fuss... I very nearly chose death," Julian joked when Lee Mack patted him on the back. The two joked about the awkwardness of begging for your life.

"Could you be a lamb and save me?" Lee called to an imaginary lifeguard. "When you're free, of course."

Julian laughed and gave Lee a bear hug. It made Noel smile to see Lee look shy about the affectionate display. It also made him jealous, so he went in for his own hug.

"You almost became a solo act," Julian teased, wrapping an arm around Noel's shoulders. "You'd have had to hire someone to drive you around."

"And someone to reach things on really high shelves," Noel added, leaning his head against Julian's chest. Barefoot, the height difference between them was much more significant. Julian seemed so tall and strong, and yet he could have died on a beautiful beach in Australia while having a good time. It was one thing to worry about Julian's drinking and stress catching up with him; those were 'down-the-line' concerns that could be dealt with at some unspecified date in the future.

But if Julian had been pulled under, he could have drowned while Noel chatted to a nameless girl in a bikini.

Dave ruffled Noel's hair and gave him a smile, as though reading his thoughts.

"Without your long legs, we could start renting a car," Dave teased. "No more buses or vans. Just the group of us stuffed into a Mini, like clowns in a clown car."

Julian pointed out Noel's luggage would no sooner be strapped to the top of the Mini than the roof would buckle under the weight. They joked about the sad but hilarious task of pulling their mangled bodies from the clown car wreckage.

Rich looked worried as he approached, but he immediately jumped in on the joke.

"Oh, this one doesn't have a face! Oh, the horror... look at all the handkerchiefs he has stuffed in his pocket! That's way too many handkerchiefs to be practical! Look at the size of his shoes! How comically out of proportion. Clown corpses are hilarious."

Huddled protectively around Julian, Noel thought (and observed aloud) that they looked a bit like they were posing with a Christmas tree. Julian said he would start wearing a hat with a massive, lit-up star, but only when Noel allowed him to borrow it.

xxx

Noel and Julian hadn't had a single disagreement since Andy had inadvertently spilled the beans on Julian's movie role. Since then, contracts had been signed and Julian had been measured for wardrobe, but he still refused to acknowledge that the movie was really going to happen. All his anxiety was reserved for the stage, where Howard Moon's "Russian play" that he "wrote with a pen" got more ridiculous with each performance. Noel couldn't remember how, but Julian's line, "I make you a pie because I love you!" had morphed into at least a minute of Noel yelling, "Why can't you just say you love me?" while Julian wailed that his pies showed his love. People were either drawn to or repelled by the fact that at least 20% of their show made no sense to anyone but Noel and Julian. The audience was either charmed by the intimacy, or annoyed by feeling left out. It was where Julian's constant fear of appearing too eager to please met with Noel's love of performance art. You couldn't become a star in comedy just by being funny. Loads of people were funny; you had to have something unique to offer. The Boosh offered a peek into their complicated relationship, as well as a series of inscrutable in-jokes. There were jokes that referenced bits that had been cut from the show, but if they still made Noel and Julian laugh - they stayed in. Julian occasionally grew a mustache for Howard, saying it was the most pompous of all facial hair formations. It had been years since Julian had had trouble growing his facial hair, but they still made jokes about his mustache being a cappuccino stain. It didn't really make sense, but cappuccino was a funny word, and Noel worked it into any joke he could. Cappuccinos and lattes: comedy gold. It didn't matter if Howard's mustache was dark and full; the audience still laughed when Vince mocked it. Vince teasing Howard was usually a winner. Noel could be much bolder with Julian on stage than in real life.

They were all about chemistry, and Julian was right to be protective of that dynamic, even if he took it to extremes at times.

By the time they got to their hotel room, Julian's embarrassment had faded into apparent annoyance. He was snappish and irritable, arguing with everything Noel said.

"Fine, we'll eat kangaroo tongue!" Noel yelled after having every other dinner suggestion shot down. "They don't have that 'back home.'"

Julian was frowning, but there was a twitch in his lips. He was about to laugh.

"I'll order us some kangaroo tongue with a side of mashed wallaby."

Julian was smiling.

"And I'll get the grated surfboard on the side..."

Julian pushed Noel onto his bed and announced he was going to take a shower. Noel suggested he wear a life jacket.

"Enough of that, sir!" Julian demanded, trying not to laugh. It had been a year since their tryst on an Australian beach. It was a no-brainer to work on the show in Australia again; they had a big following there and always got a warm response. Noel had been trying very hard not to associate Australian beaches with anything but surfing, but his powers of denial weren't nearly as strong as Julian's.

Noel crawled across the bed to where Julian was rifling through a suitcase. He couldn't help but put his hand on Julian's chest, reassuring himself that his partner was alive and well.

Julian went red, but didn't pull away. Noel didn't need to break out his Ju decoder ring to know that if Julian didn't want to be touched, he moved out of the way. He twitched and looked uncomfortable as Noel's hand moved to his face, but he remained where he was, allowing himself to be caressed. It was Noel who got self-conscious and retreated, ready to return to some non-threatening banter, but Julian held his hand in place. His dark eyes were unreadable, and Noel staggered a bit when Julian's lips covered his own.

"Are you going to faint?" Julian teased, making a show of holding Noel up. "Overwhelmed by my pure animal magnetism?"

Noel laughed and clutched Julian's biceps, wondering if the kissing was over. "Some of the grease from your hair got in my eye! I'm in pain, you berk! The ocean was just trying to make you look less like a tramp."

Julian climbed onto the bed, forcing Noel down onto his back.

"Am I too dirty for you, Fielding?" Julian asked in his deepest and most chocolaty tone. If he meant to make Noel laugh, he failed miserably. He was trying to keep his hard-on from pressing into Julian's hip, but the bigger man wasn't giving him any leverage.

He continued to worry about making things "weird," when Julian suddenly sat up, straddling Noel's waist. He looked like he was thinking very hard.

It wasn't just Julian's thinking that was hard. They were in a hotel room, wearing nothing but swim trunks and a t-shirts. Julian had nearly drowned an hour before, and they were both full of adrenaline. There was only one reason they weren't already snogging.

They were both dead sober. Noel didn't dare make a move, and Julian only got romantic when he was at least half in the bag. It was time to destroy the moment with a joke.

Noel desperately tried to think of something funny, before things become irreparably awkward, but his mind was blank. He could only think about Julian, who always seemed so strong and solid, nearly disappearing from his life forever.

"Don't you dare cry," Julian ordered gruffly. Noel closed his eyes and tried to think about something happy. Something like Julian's lips, warm and very much alive, sucking on his neck. He couldn't even scold Julian for trying to give him a love bite; if he opened his mouth, he was really going to start crying.

He sniffed as Julian started pulling off their clothes.

"Seriously, the weeping is putting me off a bit," Julian teased, while looking sincerely concerned. Noel pulled Julian down on top of him, awkwardly trying to get their shorts out of the way.

"Noel?"

"Yeah?"

Julian ran his thumb over Noel's cheekbone and shook his head. There was no way he would ever know what Julian was thinking. When Ju shut down, he was an unbreachable fortress. By the time he relaxed enough to talk, he wouldn't remember what he'd been thinking. Julian could remember things Noel had said to him years ago, but would forget a whole conversation over the course of hours.

Julian wasn't talking, but he was kissing Noel with unrestrained enthusiasm, the way he had the night he'd finally seen Noel's stand up. That night had been filled with so much promise, and yet Noel could have never have guessed what was to come. He'd been fantasizing about a few hours of passion, leading to a repeat performance. He would never have believed they would still be together years later. He certainly would not have imagined there would be a year between the first time they got off together and the first time they kissed without their shirts on.

He certainly didn't think it would take so long for Julian to finally press a wet finger against Noel's entrance. He'd been expecting that since the first time they'd kissed. Julian was a bit too gangly to be a strapping man, but he was approaching the strapping male type. He was a man's man who drank beer, hid his emotions, and treated his androgynous friends like ladies. Everyone assumed Julian was fucking Noel, so the whole thing had a feeling of destiny. That didn't keep Noel's entire body from tensing up until he must have felt as stiff and brittle as a Brandy Snap. To Noel's mortification, Julian quickly withdrew his finger. While it was true he was a bit frightened by the idea of actually doing _that_, no one else was supposed to know. If you had the balls to wear make-up, you couldn't be afraid of a bumming. You could _choose_ not to bum, but you couldn't be scared. It was like being a punk who was afraid of needles. It simply was not on.

"Ju?"

Noel's attempt to speak was thwarted by Julian's advanced skills at avoiding conversation. Once Julian's hand was wrapped around his cock, Noel couldn't remember any words with more than four letters. When it was over, and there was some blood returning to Noel's brain, he tried again.

"Ju?"

"Leave it."

So Noel left it. Once Julian had decided to shelve a conversation, it was useless to bring it back up again. Noel had spent years worrying about what he would do when Julian finally tried to top him, and now he knew he would never, ever have to think about it again. A second chance at bumming would basically involve begging. Julian would never again make a spontaneous effort, and he would shut down all efforts to broach the subject he had filed under, "done deal".

Holding Julian, who still felt indestructible and safe despite evidence to the contrary, Noel was mortified to realize he was crying. Julian laughed and called him a girl. When Noel squeezed him tightly and whispered, "I love you so much," Julian laughed again. It was a warm chuckle that vibrated through his chest and into Noel's. He didn't know why Julian was laughing, but he knew what the laugh meant. It meant that, for now, there was nothing to worry about.


	13. And this time, I mean it

Title: But this Time, I Mean It

Author: Concupid

Rating: R

Warnings: language, heavy snogging, drug references, reference het sex

Summary: Dee has had it with Noel, and this time she means it. For real.

Author's note: Thanks so much to Bluestocking79 for her endless patience as a beta! Thanks to everyone who's reading, and extra love if you comment (because I have terrible self-esteem and I hate myself for it...)

Dee hadn't seen Noel in nearly two months. He'd been in Australia, and the Robots in Disguise had been everywhere. They finally both had tour dates in London, and it was supposed to be their big reunion.

Dee was going to end things. Noel was sweet, sexy and delightful, but he was also a spoiled brat. Dee was sick of his neediness and immaturity. He could just keep on screwing slags and being Julian's bitch. Dee was done.

Hours earlier, Dee and Sue had gotten into a screaming match because Sue had suggested Dee wasn't serious about ending things with Noel. She accused Dee of being as much of a drama queen as Noel. Dee had thrown a glass vase, and just as she couldn't resist noting how rock and roll it was to throw a vase against a wall, she couldn't deny Sue had a point. Maybe she did like a bit of drama.

Dee rehearsed all the reasons she needed to move on. She wouldn't tell Noel right away; she'd wait until they were alone. No need to make a scene at the airport.

She saw Julian first, towering over the crowd and looking shaggier than usual. If Julian looked rough, Noel would be a mess. Noel always had to live up to everyone's expectations. He had to rock and roll all night and do whatever the fuck Julian told him every day. When a portly gentleman finally moved out of the way and Dee could see Noel walking next to Julian, she couldn't help but smile. He was looking like a rhinestone cowboy, a mixture of glitter and denim. He looked a little unkempt, the mirror image of Julian. She was pretty sure Julian had fallen asleep on the plane and Noel, child that he was, had arranged himself to sleep facing Julian. It wasn't enough that they spent every minute together; he had to be part of everything his partner did, so the left side of Noel's hair was flat, while Julian's hair was sticking up on the right. Noel was looking like an unmade bed in his carefully personalized outfit, like he'd spent hours embroidering his t-shirt but couldn't be bothered to pull it down where it had ridden up. Noel's shirt was rumpled because Julian's was. He was too much for Dee; she needed to cut him loose because he was dragging her down. He was just too fucking needy, and Dee didn't have the time.

Noel never looked ahead; he was too busy hanging on Julian's every word and visibly fighting the urge to straighten his clothes. When Dee yelled his name, Noel finally looked in her direction. She was always surprised by his eyes. Those kaleidoscopes really were quite beautiful, but that didn't make up for all the hassle of figuring out what was really going on behind them.

Noel's smile was blinding as he ran towards her. He was like a dog, never failing to be astounded that his owner returned home. After being thoroughly snogged and complimented on every item of clothing on her body, Dee felt herself softening. Noel really was sweet and loving, and so eager to please.

And really good-looking.

xxx

"You must have been in some fights—that nose has been broken at least four times," Sue pointed out.

Noel waved his hands in front of his face, laughing so hard he was in tears. Dee was waffling a bit on ending things. It was hard to remember the reasons she'd wanted to leave when they were together, especially when she was drunk and high. His heart was so full of love, and his tight jeans were so full of squeezable arse.

He tried to tell them about his one fight (where he'd pleaded, "Not my face!"), but he couldn't catch his breath. He was determined to keep up with Julian, taking every offered drink, puff or bump. He was off his tits: a lovely mess, with an angelic smile and dilated pupils.

Julian was already laughing at Noel's untold story. Sue had been telling a story about how they'd had to teach some guys a few manners. (It was hard to feel a girl up when your arm was out of its socket.)

"So, Twinkle Toes Fielding can't fight. There's a surprise," Sue smirked. "How about you? Ju?"

While Noel laughed hysterically, Julian claimed the closest he'd got to a fight was running away from muggers.

"I'd had about... eight Guiness? Nine? And I was all weighed down by the curry I'd just eaten," Julian sighed. "I made it about ten feet and just gave up and handed over my wallet."

Noel clung to Julian's arm as he laughed hysterically, rubbing his mascara-tinted tears on the larger man's sweater. This was Dee's weakness: the more ridiculous Noel's behavior, the more she loved him.

Dee didn't need to look at Sue to know she was smirking. She and Sue might end up in another fight that night, but there was no way in hell she was breaking up with Noel this trip. Maybe next time.

xxx

After getting a little alone time in Dee's room, they headed back to the room Noel was sharing with Julian. Dee was wearing Noel's jeans and Noel was wearing her flapper-inspired dress. Sue was long gone, and Dee only recognized three of the six people in the hotel room. Julian was deep in conversation with the lovely Chris Corner and the tall, gangly guy Noel called "the other woman"—Julian's former comedy partner.

Julian laughed uproariously at their appearance. Noel immediately began to strut as though he were on a catwalk. Dee gave a not-entirely-successful wolf whistle and gave Noel's arse a pinch.

Julian grabbed at the bottom of Noel's dress, pretending to sneak a peek. Noel giggled girlishly and slapped his hand, saying, "My girlfriend is right here."

"As though she'd mind," Julian growled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

This was how it usually started. It was always a joke. Ha, ha, Dee likes to watch men snog. It was only a matter of time before they were making out, and Dee knew it had _nothing_ to do with her. Dee didn't mind; it was fucking hot to watch Noel and Julian going at it like horny teenagers. She was sworn to secrecy, but she knew every detail of their intimate life. Noel would try to be discreet, but one drink, and he was spilling the beans on every kiss and every touch. It had taken nearly three beers for him to tell her about how he'd "narrowly avoided a bumming." Dee didn't bother playing along; Noel had looked downright wistful as he confessed to that particular interlude. Later that night, she'd fantasized about Noel getting a nice, rough shag from Julian, taking the kind of pounding that would leave him sore for days. When she'd shared her thoughts with Noel, he whimpered like a puppy before coming. He had cheerfully agreed when she called him a slut.

True to form, it took less than ten minutes to go from the initial joke to Noel straddling Julian's lap as they tongued one another. Julian was stroking the back of Noel's bare thighs, his hands occasionally slipping beneath the short dress.

Some people were averting their eyes; others were openly staring. Dee knew there were three ways for the snogging session to end. One: Julian would pull away, laughing and joking, while Noel tried to pretend not to be disappointed. Not once had Noel ever been the one to pull back. Two: they would have full-on sex on the couch—the most unlikely result. Three: Dee would break it up, pretending to be jealous.

"Off my bitch, Barratt!" Dee yelled, grabbing Noel by the hair. Julian's lanky friend was laughing nervously at the floor show.

Noel pretended to fight as Dee dragged him towards one of the beds.

"But he says if I put out, he can get me on telly!" Noel whined before pouncing on top of Dee. He was hard from kissing Julian, but there was sincere gratitude in his eyes, and there was no doubt he meant it when he said, "I love you so fucking much."


	14. Chapter 14

Title: The Secret Keeper

Author: Concupid

Pairing: Noel/Julian

Rating: R

Warnings: non-explicit sex, RPS, angst

Summary: Dave gets a new bit of insight.

Author's note: Thanks to bluestocking79 for her tireless betaing and to everyone who is reading. You are all awesome.

Dave woke up confused and disoriented. It was hardly unusual, but it was still unpleasant. He was curled up on the floor of the van, using one of Noel's studded boots as a pillow. He imagined his face looked like a pin cushion.

He could hear Noel speaking quietly.

"Me and Dave will be fine. He knows how to drive and everything!" Noel spoke in a gentle tone. Julian snorted, and Noel giggled.

Julian and Noel had been in the middle of a seemingly endless row when Dave had fallen asleep. They'd been snapping at one another for days. It never turned into a proper fight, because one of them would always back down and keep the peace. When Dave had suggested a good old-fashioned slap fight to break the tension, Noel and Julian had laughed while carefully not looking at one another. Julian's shooting schedule for his film had been moved up by six months to accommodate the schedules of (in Julian's words) "actors you've actually heard of." Noel and Julian had been working on a show for two months, but Julian would now be filming through the Edinburgh festival. They needed to decide whether or not to completely abandon the show.

It was terrible timing. The Mighty Boosh was really gaining momentum, and everyone was saying they should be on telly. No one wanted to actually pay for it or work out the details, but everyone agreed the Mighty Boosh needed to bring their insanity to the masses. Now they were at a crossroads, waiting for Julian to decide if he was going to focus on getting a larger audience for the Boosh or advancing his acting career. Like everyone, Dave was trying very hard to appear neutral and supportive, while mentally begging Julian to pull out of the film.

Dave usually enjoyed the early part of putting together a stage show. For a few months, it would just be the three of them on the road. It was exhausting, but it was a bit magical as he watched a show take form and grow. Random ideas turned into full-blown concepts. A joke over breakfast would become a mainstay of the show. Dave remembered the petrol stop where Julian had bought them all individual custard pies. Dave had tried to save his for later, but Julian had screamed, "Why you no like my pie?" until he gave in. Dave had taken the Polaroid of Noel with his tongue sticking out, and he'd written "Keep it real" on the bottom. Neither Noel nor Julian had an especially good memory, so Dave felt like some mystical secret keeper. He was the only person who actually understood all the jokes in the show.

He remembered the first time Noel had ever said, "You may have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything _you_ know!" Noel had been trying to side-step an argument by making Julian laugh. It was a pretty common occurrence.

The first time they'd gone on tour, Dave had been taken aback by Julian's mood swings. Dave and Noel would tiptoe around the Northerner like a sleeping giant. Soon enough, Dave could see what Noel was always saying: Julian seemed angry when he was worried. If you could make him laugh, or at least acknowledge what was really bothering him, he'd calm down. The gift Julian had for channeling his nervous energy into a performance disappeared when he left the stage. Off the stage, he was buffeted about by his own emotions, like a sailboat in a storm.

Dave coughed politely, but Noel continued speaking in a soothing tone. Unsurprisingly, they were too caught up in one another to notice someone else's presence.

"I've got some ideas," Noel continued. "I need to work on my solo stuff if you're going to be a big movie star..."

At first, Dave thought Julian was laughing, but Noel probably wouldn't be shushing him and saying, "It'll all work out," if Julian were laughing. Dave was going to have to pretend to sleep forever.

"Sorry," Julian sniffed; anything else he might have said was muffled as Noel hugged him. It was cold as hell and the van's heater barely worked, so they were all bundled up in thick coats. Under different circumstances, the loud noises of Noel and Julian's coats rubbing together as they embraced might have been funny. Dave was beginning to wonder if he should pretend to snore. He couldn't pretend to wake up until he was sure Julian had composed himself. What he really wanted was a sign that read, "We will never discuss what I've seen."

He had to peek when things started getting louder in the front seat. He opened one eye for a moment. It was enough to see that Noel was pushing Julian's coat off of his shoulders. It was hardly the first time Dave had seen the two of them kiss; they snogged all the time, but it was usually (knowingly) for an audience. While he'd assumed Noel and Julian's relationship was a bit... complicated, he still wasn't prepared to witness those complications up close.

Dave closed his eyes and tried to think of a town he'd visited for every letter in the alphabet. The kissing sounds just kept getting sloppier, and Dave was only on L for Leeds when he heard a zipper being undone.

He fondly remembered a time when hearing Julian cry had seemed like the most uncomfortable thing he'd ever have to pretend to sleep through.

"Noel, you don't have to..."

"Shhh, Dave's sleeping... and I want to."

Noel sounded nervous, and it occurred to Dave that he would never be able to ask Noel why. This would always be a little, one-sided secret in their friendship. Noel never came out and said he fancied Julian. He physically hung on Julian, praised him to the rafters, imitated his movements, teased him relentlessly about his looks and generally acted like Julian's girlfriend, but he was always a bit too polite and British to mention the obvious. It was hardly a one-sided love affair. Julian openly adored Noel, frequently watching him with a kind of wolfish appreciation, and yet Dave was in no way surprised it was Noel going down on Julian.

Dave tried to think about his student loans, but Noel was making the kind of sloppy, happy sounds that made it very hard to think of anything but an amazing blow job.

So Dave tried to think of his first girlfriend, or his last girlfriend, or any girl. He needed something to chase the vision of Noel sucking Julian's dick from his brain before it burned into the back of his eyelids. Noel had a disturbing habit of sucking everything through a straw in the most obscene manner possible. When Dave had teased him about it, Noel had seemed sincerely surprised. He stroked his straw and ran it across his lips as he asked Dave to explain why he thought Noel used his straw "weird".

He didn't want to think of the hollow in Noel's cheeks when he sucked.

He opened one eye. Noel was mostly hidden from view. All Dave could see was half of Julian's face, and Julian's pale hand patting Noel's head. Dave squeezed his eyes shut and promised himself to never ever be nosy again.

He opened his eyes one more time. Julian looked completely serene. No one passing would know he was getting a blowie, based on his calm expression. The hand on Noel's head looked calm and sure. Occasionally, Julian's jaw would tense a bit. It wasn't very noticeable, but those who worked with Julian looked for that tic on a daily basis. That was the first sign Julian was getting a bit "offish" as they would call it. Early intervention could stave off a full blown break down... most of the time.

Dave wondered how often Noel used this particular relaxation technique.

xxx

Dave looked like hell at breakfast. He kept his eyes on his plate and was drinking his coffee black.

"Rough night in the back of the van?" Noel asked. Dave had slept while Noel had kept Julian entertained through the long night's drive. They hadn't hit their host's home until 3am.

Dave shrugged. "I slept like a log, but I'm all sore. You know how it is."

That he did. The first time Dave had come on the road, Noel had all but begged him to come. They needed the help, and Noel was a little afraid of travelling alone with Julian. His partner could get incredibly moody, and sometimes Noel just collapsed under the weight of his disapproval. Dave kept him centered. He was a voice of reason for both of them. After the first year, Dave seemed to simply assume he would always be their third man on the road.

Sometimes it made Noel smile just thinking about Dave's friendship. After Julian's breakdown the night before, they'd ended up holding one another in the front of the van. Noel had refused a return blowjob from Julian (whose eyelashes were still wet with tears), but he wasn't quite strong enough to turn down a hand job. He clung to Ju's neck and came as quickly as he could. He wasn't sure how long they stayed in their awkward embrace before Julian pointed out they needed to get moving.

_"Dave might like to sleep in a proper bed some time tonight,"_ Noel pointed out as he'd tried to pull himself together.

_"Sometimes I'm jealous of how much he loves you,"_ Julian announced. He had a tendency of dropping those kinds of revelations out of nowhere, and (as always) Noel was caught off guard. He had said the first thing that came into his mind.

_"I love him, too."_

Julian had laughed. _"I'm jealous of that as well."_

There were still traces of Julian in Noel's mouth. His partner couldn't possibly doubt the depth of Noel's feelings for him.

Noel was knocked out of his reverie by their host, Adelaide, a woman in her sixties who came to see the Boosh every chance she had. She had a distinct crush on Julian and always called him "the Big Man."

"I wrapped some food for the Big Man," she announced, putting a napkin-wrapped bundle into Noel's hands. "Is he still sleeping?"

"He's on the phone with his agent," Noel explained vaguely. He had yet to tell Dave about their sudden change in plans. "He's being offered all kinds of films. He's going to be a movie star."

"A movie star? I hope he doesn't forget the little people!" Adelaide pinched Noel's cheek as she said 'little people'. He wondered if she was referring to his relatively diminutive height or level of fame.

When she walked away, Noel asked Dave a question he'd been wondering for a while.

"Does she think I'm Julian's girlfriend?"

Dave laughed a little too hard, confirming Noel's suspicion. Even Adelaide thought he was Julian's boy toy.

He did his best to sound cool and confident as he explained to Dave that they would simply put the Boosh on hold for a bit, while Julian focused on his acting career. He was going to line up a few projects back to back and then turn his full attention back to the Boosh.

In the meantime, Noel would do a solo show. It was important to prove himself as an individual performer. He made it clear that it was the best solution for everyone involved, and when he started crying, Dave held him and Adelaide brought him a box of chocolates. As bad as he felt, bawling his eyes out and wondering if he was being left behind forever, it was infinitely preferable to watching Julian try not to cry.

Maybe Adelaide was right. Maybe Noel would always be the little woman bringing her man his breakfast, so that he could focus on manly things like having a career and making sure his hair never accidentally looked like it had been combed. Noel decided he was going to buy himself a pearl necklace. If he was going to be Donna Reed, he ought to look the part.


	15. The Sexy Pirate

Julian stifled a yawn. He'd dated a doctor who'd explained it in terms of the autonomic system. It had made perfect sense at the time, but he couldn't really remember it. What it came down to was that Julian got so anxious that his body overcompensated, to the point he was drowsy. He felt terrified. He looked bored.

He was wearing an eye patch and a puffy shirt. Something had gone terribly wrong.

Noel sounded surprised to hear from him, as though there had ever been a chance Julian would get through a full day of shooting his first commercial without seeking out his partner's reassurance.

"How's life with the beautiful people?" Noel asked with a laugh. "How's Brad Pitt?"

"They've got me dressed as some kind of..." Julian looked down at his costume and searched for the appropriate term. "Sexy pirate. I think there might have been some confusion."

"Of course you're a sexy pirate. They wouldn't have hired you if they wanted an ugly pirate," Noel said in a slightly terse tone, before adding, "They'd have got Lee Mack. I have to remember that one, the next time I see him..."

"But Noel..." Julian whispered before realizing he couldn't possibly finish the sentence. It was too sniveling, too pathetic, and too possibly true. Early on, it had been obvious that they should be billed at Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. It made sense in terms of experience, fame, and the alphabet. Now that they were best known as a double act, people frequently got their names backwards. Noel was the flashier star and the first to describe himself as the 'girl' of the pair, and people sometimes assumed he would be billed first.

Noel Fielding would make a good sexy pirate.

"C'mon, Ju, did you think they were hiring you to play a serious scientist? They're selling a disgusting drink for girls, of course they want a good-looking guy in the ad. Why'd ya think they hired you? Just grin and bear it," Noel ordered. "We need the money. I'm dying on my arse as a solo act."

"That's not true." It wasn't true. Noel was getting mixed reviews, but that was inevitable. His wasn't a brand of humor that was universally appealing. In fact, it could be quite alienating—but Noel was a natural rock star. He was quickly building a following, and there was already a lot of buzz for him for Edinburgh. Julian was keenly aware of the risk he was taking by allowing Noel so much time on his own. It was part of the reason he was taking time away from the Boosh: Julian needed to stand on his own.

He also needed Noel to tell him he was funny, handsome, and clever.

"It's not true," Noel agreed, "but it's hard. I miss... the Boosh."

"I miss the Boosh, too," Julian agreed. "This commercial is idiotic. I thought it was going to be more strange and visual and less..."

"Sexy pirate?"

Julian's laugh died as he was called back to set. He caught his reflection as he passed by a mirror and cringed at his moussed hair. Julian enjoyed acting, but he was clearly a character actor and not a leading man. In the future, he would be sure to clarify that all 'sexy' roles should be sent straight to Noel. Julian would stick to playing the overly earnest and total twats. An actor needed to know his range.

xxx

Noel had done a few 'acting' gigs while Julian was off being an Actor. Noel had learned a lot from those jobs—mainly that he was not an Actor. He didn't like sticking to scripts or saying other people's words. Noel was happiest being Noel. Julian had a few film projects lined up for the two of them, and Noel was going to give them his all, but he accepted that acting was not a shared passion.

Dee had said something while pissed that had stuck with Noel: _"You're such a fucking copycat fucking little fucking baby. I don't know why Julian isn't fucking sick of you already."_

She had continued on to say something about Noel sucking Julian's dick, and after getting sidetracked by her own description of the act, the argument had fallen apart as the sex began. The fact that Dee had been drunk, horny, and easily distracted didn't keep Noel from seeing the hint of truth in her statement. Noel could be overly enthusiastic in his adoration, and it could be off-putting. For three years, Noel and Julian had been all but joined at the hip, and it was not a coincidence that Noel's wardrobe was now full of trainers and flares. He had never intended to imitate Julian, but they rubbed off on one another. Noel could see his influence on Julian, but he wasn't sure anyone else could.

Noel had been rediscovering his own style on tour. If a club owner was going to look him up and down and find him a disappointment, Noel was at least going to look good for the rejection.

Voodoo Hedgehog was alternately being praised as whimsical and funny, if a bit unstructured, and panned for being an unstructured mess relying on whimsy instead of being funny. When Julian had finally dragged himself to see the show, looking pale, shaky, and a bit sleepy, he'd insisted that the show was wonderful. After a few drinks, Noel had asked Julian why he looked so tense when all he had to do was sit in the audience. Julian had laughed and changed the subject. For a few months, Noel had thought Julian was really struggling on his own, because he always sounded dejected on the phone. Eventually, Noel had realized that Julian only bothered to call when he was feeling down.

When Noel and Julian were away from one another for an extended period of time, it was always a bit awkward when they reunited. The night Julian had come to see Noel's show, they had started out making flimsy jokes and patting each other on the back, but they'd ended up spooning in Julian's hotel bed. There hadn't been anything sexual, at least not overtly; it was just that they couldn't seem to get close enough to make up for the time apart. Noel had never been one to need much space from his loved ones. He was an unabashed people person, and he loved being loved and raining his affection on others. If he had his way, he would take Dee and Julian and his family everywhere he went. He wasn't like Julian. He didn't like to be alone.

Even Noel was a little concerned about how much he needed Julian. It was scary to need someone so badly. Noel was glad, in a way, that Julian had forced the Boosh to take a break. It was good for Noel to work on his own and remember his strengths. No matter how many people dismissed him or asked about his 'better half,' Noel refused to give up. He won over crowds, shrugged off failures, and kept pushing the envelope. When he lost his confidence—and it was so easy to lose his confidence—he thought about Julian's reaction to "The Moon." Noel had wanted his solo show to have a lot of visual and graphic elements, especially in the suddenly painful absence of Julian's music. The Moon was a fun way to give the show a semblance of structure, and an unexpected visual. The Moon was probably the best-received part of his show. When Noel was trying to buoy himself, he didn't think about critics or fans. He thought about Julian discussing the Moon in that wistful tone that was familiar to any comedian. It was a tone of voice that said, _"I wish I'd written that."_


End file.
